This is not Dear Abby.
DEAR Jerkass: When spending thousands of dollars to attend a destination wedding, are you expected to give a gift to the bride and groom? -- JENNIFER IN NEW YORK Dear Jennifer, Fuck no. Assholes want to have a wedding where only friends with money can go, then just avoid them altogether. If you want to get married on top of a volcano, that's your prerogative. But don't invite people to it, that's just fucking rude. Destination weddings may as well be elopements. Throw a party for everyone that can't come, while the bitch, er...bride is off on her wedding.
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Normally I try to inject humor into these letters. Mostly because what people are bitching about is "First world problems".
Pedophilia has no humor to me. If you have been molested, please find out where in your community you can register petitions to have these monsters get their genitals mutilated. Here's Abby's letter. Here's mine. DEAR Jerkass: After years of carrying this guilt, I want to tell my story. It may help others. When my grandfather tried to rape me, it was at night when everyone was asleep. I stopped him as much as a 10-year-old could. The next day he wrote me a letter saying he was sorry for what he did. It read, "If your dad finds out, it will KILL HIM." Strong words for a 10-year-old, so I buried the letter in the back yard. He never touched me again. Five years after that, Grandpa was arrested for molesting my younger brothers. As a young girl, I didn't know men molested boys. I found out after my grandfather went to prison that he had also molested my dad and his sister when they were children. Please warn parents to educate their children. Tell them that even someone they love does not have the right to touch them in a way that makes them uncomfortable. My dad felt guilty for the rest of his life for what happened to us because he had let this monster back into his life. If this saves one person from the shame and guilt I have carried, it will have been worth it. -- WISH I HAD TOLD IN FLORIDA Dear Wish, I sympathize with what happened to you. My own abuser is dead, so that burden is lifted. With the proliferation of webcams, monitors, nannycams, etc, the ability to catch these monsters should be greater. Also, teaching kids to be "rats" or "snitches" should be de-stigmatized. I would rather deal with a tattle-tale that tells me they are legit being abused and have to go through the dross of what billy down the street is doing, than have a monster get away. In that, the NSA and I agree. I do want to address being a victim, however. Don't be. Don't let the "I can't do this because of what happened to me as a child" rule your life. I hate having my picture taken because of what happened to me. But I will always let my wife take photo's of me and the kids, or us together. That is what every victim needs to know: that you are not a victim. Bad things happened. Bad things happen every day, and we can either use those events to help propel us into a better life, learning as we go, or we can wallow in freakish misery, allowing those abusers to continue to abuse us even after they are locked away. Also, I want to bring into this a very important fact: The recidivism rate for a pedophile is 100%. There is no therapy for them. And even if I'm wrong in that statistic, they should never be allowed near a child again and should have their dicks cut off. Chemical castration should be the first sentence. People everywhere should start petitions. Here's one: Petition Ugh. "Manscaping".
I personally like a bit of hair on a woman. It makes me feel like I'm sleeping with a woman, not a barbie doll. Here's Abby's link. DEAR Jerkass: I am 26 and have been dating this guy I really like for three months. He is great. My biggest setback is his body hair. He honestly has more body hair than I have ever seen. This has kept me from being physically attracted to him. I think everything is moving in the right direction, but I don't know what to do about this issue. Should I love him how he is, or ask him to get rid of it? I don't want him to feel self-conscious because he's an awesome guy. -- IN A HAIRY SITUATION IN ARIZONA Dear Hairy, Know who doesn't have hair on their body? Prepubescent boys. Men have hair. On their bodies. This is natural. Sometimes it looks like a Sasquatch. Talk to him, but before you do, think about this: sometimes your bat-cave is going to stink. Should he dump you because of this? Or is that "insensitive"? I think you should break up with him, because he should be in a relationship where someone loves him, and not get straddled with some bitch like you who already wants to change him. Love isn't about a Gillette razor. Source
DEAR Jerkass: My 21-year-old daughter, "Alex," and her 6-year-old moved into an apartment with her 18-year-old boyfriend. We had a tough time accepting this, but I make do because I love Alex and want to be part of her life. My boyfriend of eight years, "Niles," can't accept my daughter's new boyfriend. We were invited over for dinner and Niles refused to go. How do I handle this? I feel all future events will be strained and I'll be forced to choose between my daughter and Niles. Please advise. -- SAD MOTHER IN NEW JERSEY Dear Sad, The not-father of your daughter doesn't want to interact with the not-father of your grandchild. And he doesn't have to. You didn't state what relationship your boyfriend had with your daughter, but he's not asking you to choose between your daughter and him. "Niles" is simply saying he doesn't like someone and doesn't want to hang out with them. Your daughter is living her own life, and you can visit her whenever she asks. If your boyfriend wants to do something else, that's his perogative, and you can join him or not. Even if you all got along, you would still be choosing one over the other. No one HAS to like anybody. That's bullshit they teach you in kindergarten. What they should be teaching is if you don't like someone, leave them alone. You don't have to hold hands and sing sing kumbaya. So go visit your daughter and if she or her boyfriend have a problem with Niles, they can address it themselves. It's not your problem, and you don't have to make excuses for Niles, either, or do everything he does. This seems like an issue between your daughter, and Niles. Not you. If Niles or Alex asks you to choose betwen them, then it becomes a greater issue. If your grown daughter asks you to dump your boyfriend because she's mad at him, tell her to fuck herself. Same for Niles. A truly caring person would not ask you to choose who you love. Here's the original.
DEAR Jerkass: My husband has a male co-worker, "Bo," who comes to our house occasionally. We have two bathrooms, one of which is in our bedroom. The other is the guest bathroom. When Bo needs to use the restroom, he goes into our bedroom and uses ours. He never asks; he just goes in, even after I have pointed out the guest bathroom. It creeps me out. I feel like he's invading my personal space, and I think it's rude. What can I do, since pointing out the guest bathroom hasn't worked? Bo is intimidating. He thinks he can do whatever he wants. Please tell me what I can do. -- CREEPED OUT IN GREENVILLE DEAR Creeped, Ask your husband to not let him over. Provide an ultimatum, like calling the cops next time "Bo" is over. Who's house is it? Get a fucking spine and lay it out. Why are you wasting your time asking in a letter? And lock your bathroom door. Ahh Wedded bliss. To hyphenate, or not hyphenate?
Here's the source. DEAR JERKASS: I am getting married in October, and my fiance, "Brad," and I are having trouble seeing eye-to-eye on the name change issue. Brad's family is originally from the North, and my family is from the South. He and his family are convinced that I should drop my maiden name, keep my middle name, and take his name as my new last name. However, the women in MY family have always kept our maiden names, added their new husband's last name to theirs and dropped their middle names. This is about the only thing Brad and I can't seem to agree on. What can I do when my mother says one thing and my sweetie says another? With your years of experience, I hope you can steer me in the right direction. -- BRAD'S BRIDE IN SOUTH CAROLINA Dear Bride, Know why people have family names? So that they can identify as a group. Think about when you plan on having kids, if at all. I don't recommend it, only because you having kids takes away from my kids resources. That aside, what last name do you want your kids to have? I say if you keep your name, and then you adopt, you shouldn't be allowed to give your child either of your last names. So really, your last name isn't about you, it's about where you came from and what you feel familial identity is. Your first name is about what your parents wanted for you and how they felt about you, so why not just change that, too. Why not fuck with both sides and choose a shared name that's different from both families? Change both of your last names to "First", or some nonsense. I'm old school in that I think a woman should take the last name. Not for any misogynist bullshit, but for continuity and harmony. Fuck, he could take your name, as long as you're both committed to each other. To me that's a preservation of continuity (though might be confusing for later generations). Taking the last name should be like a tattoo. It should become part of you. Lasering off tattoos is bullshit, too. You made a mistake? Learn to deal with it. So there's my throw in; take his name, or he takes yours, as long as you do it for the hope of the future and the will to work towards that together. But if his family is so for it, have your family argue your side for you, and elope while they're all fighting. Here's the original.
DEAR JERKASS: I have been working hard to advance in my health care career so I can give my family a decent life. I have worked my way up from poverty, paying my own way, earning my degree through the military and sheer determination. I have reached a point where I would like to enjoy life a little more, but my husband thinks I am being "materialistic." We fight often over my wardrobe spending. I believe the clothes I wear, mostly nice skirt suits and heels, are part of my job and image. I believe it has helped me to get ahead. I don't buy overly expensive items, but they aren't cheap. I wear the things I buy for years and have a $200-a-month budget for what I may need, even though I don't always spend it. I think I have earned the right to shop a little, which will ultimately lead to bigger and better things for my family, so why does my husband make me feel so guilty? -- CLOTHES MAKE THE WOMAN Dear Clothes, How cliche. You want to justify your spending on clothes. You made the comment that you keep clothes for years. I'm going to guess that means there are outfits you've never worn taking up space in a closet. You didn't mention shoes. Or purses. Or other accessories that men would throw into the clothes category that you could say are not part of your clothing budget. Ugh. Do you split finances, or pool your money? If you split the bills then do whatever you want with your money. Might as well have a roommate. If you pool the money in a "it's OUR money, not MY money" mentality, then yeah, he has something of a say. Go through your closet and pull out anything that you haven't worn for six months. Consign it or donate it. If you get some cash for it, buy him a gift and let him know what you did. Then fucking TALK to each other instead of trying to get a third party on your side! In a marriage it's not "who's right" or an "I win" fucking relationship. When things are going wrong, it's everyones goddamn fault (in an actual committed honest relationship. I don't want bullshit letters about "what if he beats her, is that her fault?" letters. Clearly it isn't, don't be stupid. Plus, women hit men, too, so don't be sexist.) I guess I'm old fashioned. I want to live in a cave and eat raw meat. (Cue snare drum).
Dating was simpler in caveman days. Simple, Like Dear Abby. DEAR JERKASS: I am a 38-year-old male who has never been married. I have been in three serious relationships, all of them with women who have children. Each time when these relationships ended, I found myself heartbroken and traumatized. I experienced a kind of withdrawal because of the emotional bond I had with the children. I have now decided to date only women who have no children. But my friends and co-workers say I'm being short-sighted and "closing the door to several opportunities." Because of our disagreements, I find myself spending more and more time away from them, and more time alone. Are my friends right? Or should I stick to my guns and keep looking for that special someone who does not come with a family attached? -- MONTANA LONELY Dear Lonely, Do you also let your friends tell gay people who to marry? Tell them to fuck off, it's not their business. If they are your friends they won't harass you about it anymore. If they are freshly married, just avoid them, anyway. Nobody likes to evangelize marriage more than newlyweds. This is your heart, and the heart of another person. No one else. You are not dating your friends. They don't get final approval. If you meet someone who has kids, just be straight forward and tell them that even though you don't know the kids, you want to respect them and their hearts by not hanging around with them. A decent mother will understand that if the relationship ends, the children could be just as hurt, if not more, than the adults involved. "But my kids are a part of me?!" Yes, but a mother is not just a mother. She is a woman, and a woman can be many things at the same time; a sister, a daughter, an employee, a (sic) lover, a parent, an ex-con. THAT means she can take care of her kids without you. Dear Abby, you needz to get more real, yo. Crabby be answern' ur questions.
(I'M SO WHITE!) DEAR JERKASS: My daughter's third birthday is coming soon, and since the new thing is sending out website-generated invitations, I have noticed that it is becoming common to include the child's interests, clothes/shoe size, etc. in the invitation. I'm uncomfortable about including this information because I feel a child should be grateful for anything he or she receives as a gift. Am I too old-fashioned or is this tacky? If it is acceptable these days, what's a good way to provide a child's wish list without sounding expectant of anything? -- YOUNG MOM IN SAN MATEO, CALIFORNIA Dear Young Mom, I get the listing interests thing. I guess it's so that the buyer isn't left wandering the isles of a toy store only to have a little boy open up a hair curling set out of some misplaced politically-correct politcal move for everyone's edification. If you really want to up that game, instead of giving personal information, ask that everyone "make a charitable contribution in your child's name, and provide receipt and card". That will really make you the "winner" among the parents. Or, it's a fucking three year old, and they will most likely play with the gaddamn box any gift they get comes in. SO instead of worrying about the proper guide for an e-vite, just invite people. If you get some parent that whines "but what if she get's duplicate gifts?!" give them everyone you invite's email, with an apology because some idiot is whining about gifts for a three year old. I personally get behind duplicate gifts because of breakage. Try finding a Ty lion under $80 right now; ours may not survive the emotional support it provides our three year old. P.S. If you really want, throw in a list of things YOU want or need. I know I need a new Android more than my kid needs to throw them. I'll never be known for my compassion or empathy. That's probably why it was best I never became any kind of therapist. I've also never been known for my political correctness, which may explain why that Austrian guy was so offended when I started doing my impression of Basil Fawlty (John Cleese) impersonating Hitler. Which may also explain why people sometimes liken me to Michael Scott from the Office, or Dr. Greg house, from House.
T.V. aside, here are my responses to Dear Abby. DEAR CRABBY: In June of last year I fractured my kneecap. I was employed at the time and asked my daughter to fill in for me while I recuperated. Not only did she walk away from the job, she has yet to visit or even call me to see how I am doing. I can't imagine anyone being so cold and distant. It hurts me to this day. How can I get past this hurt and disappointment? -- STILL HURTING IN PALM DESERT Dear Hurting, Be thankful that she helped at all. Clearly there are unresolved issues, but if she won't talk to you and you legit tried to talk to her, then the balls in her court. to quote a saccharine movie about emotional abuse resulting in an almost genocide, "Let it go, let it go..." |
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun. Archives
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