Dear Abby suggested plastic surgery. Fuck that, Abby.
DEAR CRABBY: I was born with a very weak heart. At the age of 23, I went into heart failure and needed surgery. It has been two years since my open heart procedure, and it has changed my life for the best.
As a young, semi-attractive male, I feel insecure about my scar. I went to the beach with friends, and so many people looked at my scar I got uncomfortable and put my shirt back on for the rest of the time. I haven't gone back to the beach since. And in situations where guys go shirtless, I wear mine even over the protests of my friends.
I can't get over the scar. I feel like I'm disfigured. Any advice on how I can deal with this huge change? -- SELF-CONSCIOUS IN GEORGIA
Dear Self Conscious,
You have a wicked scar that literally represents "life". All those posers that have tattoos with "meaning" are pathetic compared to you. If anything, you should get a tattoo of an arrow pointing to the scar with the words "Not just a survivor: a conqueror", or "Untamed Heart". Nah, that last one is a little too Christian Slater.
People are going to stare. Give them a reason to be in awe, too. Next time you're out and the opportunity to show off that scar presents itself, take it. When people stare, draw further attention to yourself. Tell them while pointing at it, "Heart surgery. Cheated death." This could even be used as a pick up line. After all, chicks dig scars.
Sorry, I shouldn't refer to broads as "chicks". Babes hate that.
Bonus picture! This one is from Diego32tiger on Deviant art. I used this without his permission. Then again, I'm pretty sure he didn't get Disney or Warner Brothers permission....
Dear Abby and I were almost on the same page today. Going to have to up my game some.
Here's the tumor:
DEAR CRABBY: I have been married for 18 years to a wonderful woman who was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few years ago. We don't know how much time she has left, but she feels the cancer has robbed her of her "retirement." She is trying to persuade our family to move to Florida so she can enjoy some warm weather.
Abby, for many reasons I do not want to move. We have lived in the Midwest all our lives. My elderly parent would be all alone if we move, and I have a sibling who is also terminally ill.
I have had the same job for 25 years, and I don't want to give it up because I have the freedom to do much of my work from home, which allows me to help my wife and have income as well. If we move, there would be no guarantee that I could find a similar work situation that is so beneficial.
My wife says I'm being selfish because I'm unwilling to leave my job, family and friends to do as she wants. I understand her desire to live in a warmer climate, but I think she's the one who is being selfish. What do you think? -- WANTS TO STAY PUT
Dear Wants to Stay Put,
You say you can work mostly from home? Why can't you take a working vacation and telecommute from Florida and look for work there. Tell your wife that is the best option you can give her. Ask your work if there would be a possibility of a rehire if you needed to quit to take care of your dying wife.
This is the possible dying wish of your wife. Wives take precedent over other family, in my worldview. Your elderly mother will be fine, and you can ask neighbors to look in on her while you're away on your mini-vacay. Your sibling doesn't have stage 4 cancer, so they're not as bad off as your wife.
On the bright side, your wife could get her last wish and die in Florida, and then you could move back to the Midwest after and get your old job back and see all your old friends. Since that's what's important to you, I gather. Or, you could divorce her, she'll get half of everything and move to Florida and then if you really play your cards right, when she dies she can leave all her stuff to you.
Doesn't this all sound so skeezy and manipulative? Just move to Florida and spend some really awesome time with your wife. if your family loves you, they'll understand.
Tempis Fugit, stultus.
Dear Abby, meet unencumbered truth.
DEAR CRABBY: My boyfriend and I are in our 40s and have been living together for several years. The house we live in is in his name only, and he pays the mortgage.
I own a townhouse I bought before I met him, and I make the payments on it. People often ask us why I don't sell it. I usually give some excuse, but the real reason is, when he drafted his will, he left everything to his mother -- at her insistence.
He seems to think it's too much trouble and expensive to change his will to include me. I want to be sure I have a place to live, so I have kept my townhouse.
Needless to say, our views on this situation differ. What's your opinion? -- HEDGING MY BETS IN TEXAS
You are forty. You apparently have lived this long without killing yourself in some Darwinian way, so kudos for being a reasonably intelligent mammal. You're still being an emotional idiot.
Dump that momma's boy right now. Just the thought that a parent would get financial recompense for their full grown child dying is disgusting. Parents die and leave their kids an inheritance, not the other way around. The fact that his mother coerced him to do it makes me want to wish horrible things upon this man.
This man will suck the remaining life out of you and will leave you with nothing. Literally.
Pack up and leave. You at least know you have a place to stay. Then, go to a book store, hang around a topic you like, and if a good looking guy offer to buy the book he looks at. Presto. You're already more confident and you have something in common.
I didn't disagree entirely with Dear Abby today. However, assholes that hit or verbally abuse their wives or children should be beaten, and the responses of the victims should be faster and more "aggressive".
Pedophiles should be chemically castrated. Without further ado:
DEAR CRABBY: I'm a 27-year-old woman trapped in a loveless marriage. My husband is a few years younger, and very co-dependent. Before he dated me, he had never had a girlfriend or a sexual encounter. I came into the relationship with a child and some trust/fear issues because my ex had abused me.
My husband has now become verbally, sexually and to a lesser degree, physically abusive, to the point of striking my 5-year-old son. I threw him out for that, but caved to pressure from my family to take him back. They think he's a "stabilizing" influence in my life. They don't know about, or can't grasp, his abuse or the abuse I survived previously. If I hint at it, they accuse me of "lying for attention."
My husband has left for basic training with the army and will be gone for a few months. I already feel freer, lighter and more able to cope with things. If I leave him while he's away, the social and family repercussions will be devastating. My son and I may be forced to relocate.
I'm torn and afraid. I went through with the marriage only to please my family, as the abuse started before the wedding. It has been a year and a half, and all I can think about is getting out. Help me, please. -- CANADIAN READER
Dear Canadian Reader,
Get some cameras, set them up around the house, and catch him in the act. He's gone for the next thirteen weeks or so, and he'll likely be in St. Jean or Borden, so you have time and space. Prepare for war and plan to escape.
Abuse is grounds for divorce and you will be legally entitled to half his pension from the military. Trust me, I know a few people in the military that are divorced. The Canadian Forces won't even hesitate to garnish his wages.
When you have video footage you can show your family, and if they chastise you for setting up a trap, you'll know who you can trust. If you can't trust them, they aren't your family, end of story.
Financially you can be taken care of. Before all of this, all the planning or lack of, put this thought in your head though: How far are you willing to allow your son to be beaten? How much are you willing to let your son see of your abuse? Do you want your son to one day act like his step-father?
Your husband is going to be physically trained for aggression, and though basic training in Canada is not like the United States, do you think he is going to come back kinder and gentler? If anything he might pick up a few ideas.
Then there is the Military Family Resources Center (MFRC). They have exactly the resources for you, from legal to therepy, childcare, etc.
(I am not saying anything bad about the CF. I am saying that if a person has aggression issues, it's not going to get better without therapy).
He won't change unless something drastic happens. Do not take him back, even if he seems to have changed. You can eventually forgive him, if you want to. But do not get romantically involved with him ever again. He will only learn if the consequences are permanent. Taking him back will simply tell him what he has to lie about to not get in trouble, or worse, he'll might make revenge plans to set you up.
Back to your family, your word should be good enough. And anyone who encourages you to go back to a condition of violence needs to get their fucking head examined.
In summation: get out, GET out, GET OUT! This piece of shit deserves to have the rug pulled out from under him. You and your son are more important than your family right now, and relocation is a good thing if it means safety.
While I often champion communication for relationship problem solving, this is just one big stupid mess. Here's Abby's.
And here's mine:
DEAR CRABBY: I have been intimately involved with another woman. Our relationship has been great for the past eight months. There is an immense amount of love and caring for each other. Although we have been together, we do not currently live together.
My problem is she's still living with her ex-husband. They have been separated for 12 years, but circumstances have brought them back into the same residence. I don't have an issue with their "roommate" situation. I have been to their home, have stayed the night and I'm OK with their arrangement.
What I DO take issue with is him introducing himself as her husband. Since I heard him do that, I have been in an uncomfortable state. Am I wrong for feeling this way, or is she wrong for allowing it to happen? -- SEETHING IN SACRAMENTO
What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with? C'mon, really think about it.
Here's a hint: People often look for one solution. But often there are a series of events that lead to a conclusion, or multiple conclusions.
If a spouse has sexual intercourse with another while married, it is adultery. But in order to petition for divorce, you have to establish not only that adultery has taken place, but also that you find it intolerable to live with your spouse. If you have already separated the first part is correct, but the second is not. But outside of arbitrary human laws, in a very personal way it's disrespectful for everyone. And fucking drama filled stupidity.
They shouldn't be living together, regardless of the external circumstances. It's not separation if you live together. There needs to be emotional/physical time (for some as little as six months) to get the habits of another person out of their system.
She should move out, he should stop referring to himself as her husband, you should break up. When all the paperwork is done and you and her have re-asserted yourselves as individuals, then you can try a relationship.
Besides, do you really want to be with a person who hasn't sorted their shit from the last relationship? You can't even say this person has baggage; it's not packed and carried around, they're still living in it.
You are all wrong in this situation.
The answer to the riddle is; a chair, a bed, and a toothbrush. Three separate things.
Here's Dear Abby's article.
And here's my unsolicited advice:
DEAR CRABBY: I'm a young professional female with a military background. I'm well-educated and have a great job. However, I am also tattooed. The design is a tasteful full sleeve, with some work on my chest and other arm.
I will be attending a black tie affair for my boyfriend's company and am wondering what attire would be appropriate for such an event. I'm not ashamed of my art, and I have no issue with baring my arms, but would this be acceptable in this circumstance? -- FOREVER COVERED
Ask to call your husbands co-workers wives and see what they are wearing. Don't mention tattoos, just ask if it's really formal and ask probing questions about scandalous couples. Basically, find out who your enemies are. Facebook them, look to see if any of them have tattoos, etc. Or say "Fuck 'em" and just have a good time.
Abbey is full of excuses for this one. Someone spends eight years in a country they're bound to pick something up:
DEAR CR ABBY: My husband and I are not big fans of his best friend's wife. "Aracely" is extremely ill-mannered. She never says thank you, didn't even write thank-you notes for their wedding and baby showers, and when we're at a restaurant will loudly announce that the food was "disgusting."
Aracely claims our baby "cries too much." She arrived at my son's second birthday party with a hangover and so much more. She claims she doesn't observe our "Southern ways" because she comes from South America and has been in the United States for only eight years.
We keep our interactions with her limited, but do not cut her off completely because my husband values his friendship with her husband. I told my husband I'm considering giving her an etiquette book, but he said it would be rude. I disagree. I think it would nullify Aracely's argument that she doesn't understand our "Southern" manners. Do you agree that it would be rude? -- MANNERED SOUTHERN GAL
Dear Southern Gal,
Your husbands friends are not your friends. And his friends wives are not your friends. You don't have to be around this woman or invite her to anything. Instead, why don't you allow your husband and his friend to have "playdates" away from you. That way you never have to see the wife, and you can have a few hours to do things by yourself.
The other option is to ask her what good manners are in South America? Or better yet, look it up online. Then, when she does something crass or rude, you can say "In South America, is it true that scratching your crotch at a dinner table is deplorabel?", or some other such bullshit.
And if her husband asks, just say showing up drunk at a kids party excluded her from any future events. Aint nobody got time for dat.
I really hope that the people who wrote Abby read these letters. I would live it if they recorded and uploaded it to youtube or something. Seriously.
Here's Abby's article with her answers to these letters.
Oh, dear God in heaven these are pathetic.
DEAR CRABBY: I'm the happily married mother of two teenage boys. The other day I overheard my older son (age 17) talking with a friend about "twerking." I have never heard of it and now I'm worried. Is twerking a drug term? Is it similar to "tripping," "getting high" or "catfishing"?
My 17-year-old is supposed to go to Princeton next year on a sports scholarship, and I'm afraid "twerking" will derail him from his charted path. Thank you for any advice you may have. -- TROUBLED MOM IN CONNECTICUT
Are you fucking kidding me? You couldn't look this up online? You've avoided television for the last five years? You are Amish?
There is no good reason why you would need to write in a letter for this question in the modern day and age. I do have to wonder if you mailed this letter using the Pony Express?
You said your son is going to Princeton? How did he get so far without using the internet? There is no possible way that you would want to provide him with the best education and not allow an internet access. It's not all porn you know. You can monitor that shit.
I get the feeling that your son has been seriously sheltered. In which case, you are in for a major surprise, and twerking will be the least of your problems.
Congrats, by the way, for throwing your kid to the sharks and completely leaving them behind the rest of the world.
Here's the motherfucking Urban Dictionary definition of "Twerking"
the act of moving/ shaking ones ass/buns/bottom/buttocks/bum-bum in a circular, up-and-down, and side-to-side motion.
Basically a slutty dance. derived from strip clubs.
When a girls' ass moves like a bowl of Jell-O
Examples of usage:
Man: She was twerking so hard on my dick last night! I thought it was gonna go numb!!
Girl: that girl is such a slut for twerking at the dance!
Abby gets about 5,000 letters a day, and chooses three. She claims that she spends eight hours every day reading letters, writing responses, consulting experts, letting the letter sit and then coming back to it to see if she still feels the same way about her responses.
I only read the letters she posts, and then answer them myself. I take about an hour because I have kids climbing on me.
I still can't believe she gets paid for this.
If any of you would like to send me letters and get advice, go ahead. Please, make a donation at the title page if you are so inclined: Even mechanical fortune tellers make a quarter.
And now onto the nonsense from self involved entitled people whining about non-issues! (Original link here)
DEAR CRABBY: I recently went in on a gift with my friend "Ali" for our other friend, "Gena." Ali offered to purchase and wrap the gift, a nice wallet from an inexpensive store. Imagine my surprise when Ali turned up at Gena's birthday party with the wallet elaborately wrapped in expensive designer paper.
At first, I thought she had spent more of her money and upgraded our gift, but when Gena unwrapped the designer packaging to reveal the original wallet we had selected, I was taken aback. It turned out that Ali had reused the wrapping paper from a gift her husband had given her, disguising our present as something it wasn't.
Gena was clearly disappointed. Other guests who had been eyeing it looked excited at first, then confused. I felt our gift wasn't appreciated and we ended up looking cheap. I was at a loss for words. What would have been the appropriate way to handle the situation? Is this normal gift-wrapping practice, or did Ali cross the line? -- FLABBERGASTED IN FLORIDA
So after reading this overblown letter I came to the conclusion that you are not aware that there are people out there who don't have money to put into a wallet.
Second, you gave the gift of a wallet. I got a wallet as a gift. It was made of duct tape. The person had put a lot of time into the gift, decorating it with patterns. It was awesome.
You went to a store and bought an "inexpensive" wallet.
Do you see the difference? My grandfather had an expression: You can't polish a turd. That's what you and your friend did. The act of giving someone something shouldn't be about how well you looked, but how well that gift expresses your feelings towards that person.
Third, your friend lied. She said she would buy wrapping paper, and instead reused some.
Fourth, your friend got something for free and was disappointed. How lame.
Summary: You are all selfish, self absorbed people who lie to each other and depend on group validation. You are miserable and deserve each other. I suggest you go get a better gift and leave it on your friends door anonymously with a note that says "we care about YOU". Then go to your reusing friend and actually talk to her about the situation with an attitude of repentance for outing her in a public letter. Then go volunteer in a soup kitchen and help people who have empty wallets. Idiot.
DEAR CRABBY: With Mother's Day nearly upon us, would you remind your readers that stepmothers are worthy of recognition, too? If one has any regard for the feelings of his or her stepmom, PLEASE make her day by calling or visiting her and telling her how much she means to you. And I don't mean a phone call at 9 p.m.
I married my husband when his sons were in their late teens. Every Mother's Day for 14 years I have been reminded that his sons choose not to recognize me, even though our relationships are very good. (One of them is a stepfather himself.) It's a real heartbreaker, believe me. -- GIVING UP ON WAITING IN OREGON
Dear Giving Up,
Your step-kids are just that. They did not marry you, they had no say in the process, and it's great that they have good relationships with you.
You are not their mother. It's Mothers Day, not Step Mothers Day, and the boys do not have any moral, emotional, or legal imperative to acknowledge you in that capacity. If anything, you are in the wrong for expecting that gift/acknowledgement. You married a man who had kids. How does that make you deserving of anything? You are not their mother. You are an older woman to them. There are real mothers out there that do not deserve to celebrate Mothers Day, why should you be acknowledged?
I call my mother-in-law Mom because she has been more of a mom to me than my own mother. Mother's Day is an earned reward, not some mandatory participation badge because you either squeezed one out, or married into it.
Suck it up, princess. You just want attention for something you had no part in on the premise that you are a married woman whose husband has kids.
For all intents and purposes you are the woman their father bangs. People like you remind me of the story about the hen who bakes bread; you did nothing to help, yet expect a slice.
That's all for today, folks! Be sure to give cards and phone calls to the mothers in your life who actually mean something to you, and not out of some Hallmark social expectation. And send me some comments and/or letters of your own.
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.