Dear Jerkass (Feel the Bern)
DEAR JERKASS: My 30-year-old son insists that I should help pay for the orthodontia he feels he should have had as a child. He is a grown man now with three children of his own, and I am not sure if I, his dad, should financially help him with this. What do you think? -- BRACING FOR AN ANSWER
DEAR FATHER OF A BERNIE SUPPORTER Reparations are a garbage idea, and it’s something Christians don’t even support theologically. See, there’s this idea in Christian myth that says “the sins of the father shall be visited unto the son” or something like that. But then this guy named Jebus came along and was like “SIN COMBO BREAKER” and now if great grandpa fucked goats we don’t have to go to hell for it.
It’s the same idea for modern Germany being held responsible for historical Germany’s crimes (they were but there is a statute of limitations. You can’t really expect little Helmut to take all his sauerkraut money and pay the Jews when it’s been at least three generations since his grandfather worked at the soap factory). If you think that’s a fair and just system, I’d like to tell you that prison sentences could then be technically commuted onto children. So if your dad is a bastard spawning criminal who you never met because he was too busy robbing liquor stores and died in jail (by having his skull smashed in from rough sex) and wasn’t able to finish his sentence, that means you’ll go to jail!
And vice versa, you should pay for everything little Billy missed out on in his youth, because..."everyone should have it and time machines and reasons".
So if you are a liberal or a socialist, you should pay for your grown son’s dental dam, because that’s what it’s all about; guilt tripping under the rubric of socialism.
But while it might have been true that you COULD have gotten iron filings grafted onto little Billy's teeth but instead spent the money on the ’86 Dolphins game, you don’t actually owe him anything.
Teach him to be a man and accept that your only legal and moral responsibility was to ensure he was fed, clothed, and sheltered until the age of majority.
But I think it’s too late. You raised a socialist.
Congrats. Boris Yeltsin would be ashamed.
Dear Jerkass (P90X edition)
DEAR JERKASS: Recently, while making a purchase at a local store and handing the cashier my money, she asked, "How many months along are you?" I was confused for a moment, until I realized she had assumed I was pregnant. (I'm not.) When I told her I wasn't, she just shrugged and said, "Oh."
Jerkass, my feelings were hurt. I will most likely never see that cashier again -- and I do not know her -- but I would like to know how to respond to this in the future. I don't believe people should assume a woman is pregnant unless they know for sure that she is. What she said made me instantly want to lash out. However, I knew that responding with more rudeness would do no good. So, what should I say if this ever happens again? -- NOT PREGNANT IN ALABAMA
DEAR HAVING A FOOD BABY
If you don’t want people commenting on you being pregnant then do things to reduce that. Fact is, for whatever reason, people get excited about human spawning. And with this liberal “anti-body shaming” movement out there, it still doesn’t change the fact that you should probably put down the fork and jog your ass around the block a few times.
I know, I know. We all want to live in a magical fantasy land where no one ever says anything that could possibly offend us, especially when it’s true.
I prefer to live in a world where sticks and stones can break our bones, but words can never hurt us. Because they are words.
Truth isn’t always nice. How about instead of chowing down on that candy bar to suppress your emotions, you strip away your pride and ego and just accept that you are fat.
Is that so difficult?
Dear Jerkass (Teenage Snowflake)
DEAR JERKASS: My life is boring, repetitive and I am often depressed. I have trouble talking to others, which makes things harder. Every day is the same: Get up, go to a long day of school, come home, do homework, play video games, draw, go to bed.
The weekends aren't much better. My family never does anything, we never go anywhere. I don't have friends (the one I'd consider hanging out with is always busy), and at 15, I can't drive anywhere, get a job or do anything on my own for another year. I have never kissed, dated or even had a crush on anyone (I'm not sure why, it's not like I'm gay or too embarrassed), so I haven't got much to talk about with my peers anyway.
I'm alone. I'm not popular, I'm a complete nerd and I'm afraid to tell others what I enjoy. If I tell anyone I like video games and Dungeons and Dragons, I know I'll be mocked for the next few years of my life.
I'm pretty smart and I do well in school, but I'm not good at much else. My social skills are borderline nonexistent. My entire life is school. I just want some attention, some friends, something to do with my life. I need help, some advice, something, anything! -- BORING LIFE IN WISCONSIN
DEAR AVERAGE TEENAGER THAT’S NOTHING SPECIAL:
Video games and D&D are cool, now. No one is more preoccupied with YOUR sex life than you. Most people are unpopular. You are not special or a unique snowflake.
Most places you can get a job at 14 with a parents permission, so unless you just can’t be bothered, you could go out and get a job. Hell, a fucking paper route has no age restriction.
Weekends are dull? Get up, put on your shoes, go outside and walk around for a while. If you pass someone, say “hi” to them. You know, like a human would.
If you’re so smart, go read a book called “How To Make Friends and Influence People”. Go watch a bunch of youtube videos about it. Look, I took four seconds to find a video and it’s pretty good. Here’s the link, you lazy, boring, damp cloth. https://youtu.be/4rB33qkDeFg
Things aren’t going to change just because it’s your birthday, you have a new job, blah blah blah. You want your life to stop being boring? Then stop being boring, yourself.
What a whiner.
“Wahahhahhhh, my parents don’t take me places to do things and I play video games. Boo hoo.”
Dear Jerkass (Daddy Issues)
Dear Jerkass (Church)
DEAR JERKASS: I'm a 15-year-old boy. I'm happy with my life, except for one thing. My mom believes in God, and Dad doesn't. I believe in God, but I don't support my mom's religion. My friends and neighbors think I'm in that religion, but I don't believe in their beliefs. It's really uncomfortable when people ask why I haven't been in church.
Mom signs me up for church activities, and I don't like going. I feel awkward when I try to talk to my parents about it. I'm not close to them, and I don't know what to do. I have been feeling stressed out lately. I don't want to hurt my mother's feelings. Can you help me? -- TEEN IN OGDEN, UTAH
DEAR APRON STRINGED: “Boo hoo! My mommy takes me to church and it hurts my widdle feewings, what do I do?””
How about grow a pair? What if you went to all the functions she signs you up to and try to convert the people there? Don’t flat out argue with them, just bring religious pamphlets of whatever you believe to their gatherings. Eventually they’ll figure out you don’t share their beliefs and either ask you to leave or join you. It’s really that simple. It’s called being subversive.
Now, getting to the whole “I believe but my Dad doesn’t” crap…why bring it up if he isn’t the one dragging you around? And what is your mom that you don’t support her religion? Is she Westboro Baptist or something? She could be a lot worse off. Quite whining. I got dragged to church, too. I also volunteered at churches I didn’t care for because I accepted that people are different and that if you did believe in God you could show him you cared in your own way, and sometimes you just have to suck it up and get things done.
You also have to accept that you could be flat out wrong. Did you ever think about that? No. Because you’re too concerned with how uncomfortable your own beliefs make you feel around others.
Dear Jerkass (He Croaked)
DEAR JERKASS: My father is very ill and will not be with us for too much longer.
One of his daughters is estranged from the family and has been for about 20 years. This was by her own doing, and despite overtures from us -- and even her ex-husband admitting that he stirred up the trouble between her and the family -- she has chosen to keep her distance.
Even knowing how sick he is now, she has not reached out to make contact. That is fine; while it hurt my father very much, he has accepted it and never mentions her.
My sister and I, who are responsible for helping our mother with arrangements, wonder whether or not to list her, her daughter and her grandson as survivors in the obituary. Most etiquette guidelines I've found approach the topic from the point of view of the family estranging the child and not the other way around. This daughter is from my father's first marriage, so my sister and I are trying to determine the correct thing to do without worrying our mother.
Of course, we are inclined to leave her out given that she initiated and maintained the estrangement, but we do wonder if there is a point of view that we aren't considering.
DEAR GRAVE DIGGER, Obituaries are not really a form of journalism. Or if they are, they are part of the classifieds that no one cares about unless they are looking for something. There is a thing called “public record” and most of the pertinent information about your dying pops is kept there.
I say all of this because no one is really going to care about finding your estranged step sister.
You don’t owe her anything, and daddy is going to be dead, so…how does that kids song go? “Let it go, let it go, don’t waste balah blah smaltzy crap that has no applicable life lesson”.
So don’t list her. If she gets all pissy about it just remember it was her choice to stop contact. And maybe she made the right choice. Who wants to be related to people writing an advice column and waiting around for the answer while their terminally ill father could croak at any second? Make a decision, idiots.
Dear Jerkass (Root Beer)
DEAR JERKASS: My father offered one of my root beers to a guest of my aunt's. Was he right?
Or should he not have offered my stuff since I had nothing to do with the guest? Please help me with this so I can stop being angry when he does this.
DEAR BASEMENT DWELLER:
First off I’d like to know some things, but since I can’t I’ll just assume that the defendant has no representation in this.
It’s real simple, numbnuts: Did your father go to a job and work, and then have the reward of his employment used to buy your precious root beer? If that is the case, then you can take your spoiled fucking attitude and understand that it was never really yours in the first place. You were allowed to have it, but you in no way earned it and unless it was specifically designated as a gift to you, you have virtually no argument.
You can get pissy and have a temper tantrum, and bitch to all your online friends of living with the patriarchy and how this is final proof that Trump is destroying America, but that does not entitle you to a gorram root beer.
Further, your father made the offer…and since you didn’t specify that the offer was taken up by the aunt’s friend, you can be assured that no one really wanted your crappy root beer.
Now, if you actually earned the money to buy your sarsaparilla, and you’re all crampy because a family member had a friend you didn’t like over to your fathers house, you always have the option of moving out or even buying your own mini-fridge for your room so that no one can ever take the bottle of diabetes from you again.
Or you could put on your grown up underwear, scrape the Cheetos off your face, go out into the living room or wherever the guests are, introduce yourself and say something completely polite and self-asserting like “Hello, my name is_____. That’s my root beer and I don’t like to share, but I can offer you something else you may like.”
You know, like a socially active, involved human being.
Or you can ask an advice columnist on how to avoid growing a spine…
Dear Jerkass, Sick Husband
DEAR JERKASS: I feel like a terrible wife when my husband gets sick -- not majorly sick, but with a run-of-the-mill cold. Men can be terrible babies when they are sick. It is a cold! He's not dying. I happen to have a cold right now, and I am functioning just fine and not moaning and groaning about it.
Also, I am not his mother! When he whines, I shut down or become touchy and crabby. If he doesn't whine, I'm happy to take care of him, but I can't take the time during the day to lie in bed with him (I work from home, so I am accessible to him) to keep him warm. I can't stay up until midnight rubbing his back, and I cannot tolerate the sappy whining.
I made him aware of my disdain for the way sick men behave a number of years ago, but he still acts like the world is ending when he has a cold. How do I tend to him without feeling resentful? -- NOT HIS MOTHER
DEAR WHINY SEXIST:
You sound like a terrible wife. Remember that whole pile of crap you ignored when you first got married? I’m talking about that first day, when you stood in front of some officiator and your family and said “In sickness and in health”, and you were looking at each other in a way that would make lonely Goth kids cut themselves. Remember that? This is that time. The sickness time.
Yeah, people get sick. There are these things called germs, they affect people differently. If you get infected by a flu with which you've had past experience, your immune system can fend it off and you'll only have a mild illness. But, if this is your first encounter with this particular virus, you will feel like shit. But just to put a little bit more perspective on it; I’m sure he gets tired of you bitching about whatever goes through your egocentric universe. You just don’t hear him bitching about you because most married men know better than to do that to their wife.
Also, you’re not his mother, true; you’re his wife. And with that means that you are supposed to take care of each other. How would you know that anything is wrong if he didn’t tell you? Are you doing some kind of woman thing in reverse? You know, the one where women expect their man to just read their mind and know what you want? Except in this situation you’re willing to attend to his needs as long as he doesn’t say anything about it because you’ll read his mind? Call me provincial, but taking care of someone is part of the whole marriage thing; making sure the other person's needs are met over your own hang ups, and vice versa. But if there is no communication, or worse he does tell you how he feels and you fuck him over about it, how does this make him the bad guy?
Sounds like part of the problem is you. You clearly have a problem with how you think “men” should behave. Let’s take a note from the oh so popular SJW worksheet and say you are contributing to a “toxic masculinity” by insinuating that men who feel bad when they are sick should be treated with disdain. You may not be his mother, but you sound like a mother fucker. It’s real nice when he’s acting the way you want him to act I'm sure. And I’m sure it really pumps your ovaries with superiority to think that you are better than him because you don’t bitch about ONE thing.
Next time he gets sick and whiny, do yourself and him a favor; set up a tinder for him, and divorce papers for yourself. He doesn’t need your double standards.
Or, next time YOU’RE sick...tell him. If he acts like an asshole and treats you the way you treat him, then maybe you’ll know for sure that you shouldn’t be together and your bitching will be justified.
Original source here.
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.