DEAR Jerkass: My 21-year-old daughter, "Alex," and her 6-year-old moved into an apartment with her 18-year-old boyfriend. We had a tough time accepting this, but I make do because I love Alex and want to be part of her life.
My boyfriend of eight years, "Niles," can't accept my daughter's new boyfriend. We were invited over for dinner and Niles refused to go.
How do I handle this? I feel all future events will be strained and I'll be forced to choose between my daughter and Niles. Please advise. -- SAD MOTHER IN NEW JERSEY
The not-father of your daughter doesn't want to interact with the not-father of your grandchild. And he doesn't have to.
You didn't state what relationship your boyfriend had with your daughter, but he's not asking you to choose between your daughter and him. "Niles" is simply saying he doesn't like someone and doesn't want to hang out with them.
Your daughter is living her own life, and you can visit her whenever she asks. If your boyfriend wants to do something else, that's his perogative, and you can join him or not. Even if you all got along, you would still be choosing one over the other. No one HAS to like anybody. That's bullshit they teach you in kindergarten.
What they should be teaching is if you don't like someone, leave them alone. You don't have to hold hands and sing sing kumbaya.
So go visit your daughter and if she or her boyfriend have a problem with Niles, they can address it themselves. It's not your problem, and you don't have to make excuses for Niles, either, or do everything he does. This seems like an issue between your daughter, and Niles. Not you.
If Niles or Alex asks you to choose betwen them, then it becomes a greater issue. If your grown daughter asks you to dump your boyfriend because she's mad at him, tell her to fuck herself. Same for Niles. A truly caring person would not ask you to choose who you love.