When Life Gives You Lemons...*
Abby should be more tolerant of lactose.
Dear Jerkass: I am a teacher who loves my job. Now that the school year is winding down, may I ask you to pass on this suggestion to all the wonderful parents who send in gifts to their children's teachers?
My family has food allergies. For this reason, unless the lovingly baked goodies have ALL the ingredients listed on the wrapping paper, my family cannot enjoy them. I usually pass on these goodies to other teachers and neighbors. (Please don't think I'm not appreciative; this is purely a medical precaution.)
If I may suggest a gift idea: gift certificates for all kinds of flowers. How often do we receive the joy of flowers? Thank you for passing this along. -- EDUCATOR IN SOUTH CAROLINA
*Swell up and die.
Everyone has mental problems. Even Abby.
DEAR Jerkass: I married a great guy a short while ago. It's the second marriage for both of us. He's good to my kids, my parents, and even gets along with my ex-husband.
"Stan" moved into my home after we married. There's only one major problem I'm having trouble dealing with: He goes through all my things, from my mail to my closet. I have caught him going through my glove compartment, the trunk of my car and anything else he can get his hands on.
He says he has a "right" to do it "because we are married," but I don't look at it that way. His first marriage did not go well. His ex didn't cheat on him, so I don't know where this is coming from.
Jerkass, I am squeaky clean. I have never given him any reason not to trust me. I believe he's just nosy. Meanwhile, I feel violated.
I have tried talking to him about it, but he just doesn't get it. Please help before I end my new marriage. -- THE NEW MRS. IN DELAWARE
When I first got into the relationship that led to my marriage we pretty much exchanged passwords to our email accounts. If I wanted to I could go through every account my wife has. She has total access to my bank accounts and vice versa.
Some may say that's crazy, but it was a mega trust builder. There have been a few hiccups in the whole process (one being it's impossible to get surprise gifts or make plans without the other knowing), but it's made us stronger.
I wouldn't even think twice about my spouse going through our cars, our mail, or our closet. Is it possible that he is sorting through the mail and paying the bills and not "going through your mail"? Is it possible that since he moved into your house that he was trying to see how much closet space you could make for him in what is now their closet? Is it possible that he was looking through your car to see where the insurance and registration is in case he gets pulled over and making sure that you have a spare tire and a jack in case of emergencies, where they are, and how to use them, in case they are out together in her car and something happens? It seems to me that you could be taking his perfectly innocent and normal way of familiarizing himself with what should now be their shared space, and maybe trying to feel like it is theirs instead of just hers, and him being controlling. I don't know why his last marriage failed. You left out if the ex was a mega bitch. Just because she didn't cheat on him doesn't mean that she was honest in the relationship; that doesn't justify carrying over that baggage to a new marriage, but people make decisions based on patterns.
You claim to be "squeaky clean", yet you are not above airing your dirty laundry in a national forum.
If you catch him wearing your underwear, smearing himself in peanut butter, then get a little concerned. Seeing your gas bill (You live together, and marriage hasn't changed so much that the ceremony ends with "I now pronounce you roommates and bed buddies") is not being snoopy. which doesn't make sense to me. Give it a bit more time. It works both ways. If you go through his stuff and he gets all uppity, then sound the alarm bells. Til then, just keep being honest.
It's A Race, Not A Friendship
RUN, FORREST, RUN. Run from Dear Abby.
Dear Jerkass: I am struggling with my friend. We're both on the cross-country team, but I can run farther than she can. When she stops to walk, I continue to run, but when I do, it makes her very upset. She says I should stop running and walk with her. But if I do that, I will lose valuable mileage.
I don't know what to do. Should I wait for her? -- SWIFTY IN NEVADA
You do not have friends in competitions. There are people who you can encourage you, and you encourage. After training you can grab a convo at the juice bar, or some other lamewad bullshit. On that track you are there to do one thing: beat your last timing. If she's your friend she'll propel you further, not hold you back.
Do Your Own Homework!
Seriously, why write Dear Abby? Especially when there are better people to ask advice from. Here's the latest winner:
Dear Jerkass: I work in a small bakery. We have a very nice baker here who is an older gentleman. When he gets frustrated, he will shout out, "Son-of-a-rabbit-chaser!" We all laugh and have asked him what that saying actually means. He told us his father used to say it.
Now the entire bakery is trying to guess what this saying's true meaning and origin is. Can you help us out?
My boss seems to think a "rabbit chaser" is referring to a greyhound dog because they chase rabbits. I don't think that makes sense. I'm wondering if maybe it refers to a dirty old man chasing a younger woman, but that doesn't really make sense either. If you can shed any light on this, we would all appreciate it. -- DYING TO KNOW IN MILWAUKEE
You do know there are people are killing each other over shoes in this country? That there are people in dire predicaments that need advice and you're taking up space asking a question that five minutes on Google could fucking answer?
You must hate watching Will Ferrel movies. That guy cracks out with expressions all the time that are weird. "By Odins Raven!"
See, now if you had asked a decent one, like "I haven't heard that in a coon's age", I would be able to tell you the racist underpinnings, and give a diatribe regarding how words are not evil in and of themselves, but by the speakers usage of them. But no. No, I have to sit here and get all pissy because you are too lazy to look something up yourself.
Die. And die school system that didn't teach you HOW to learn.
On A Long Enough Time Line...
Some poor baby is scared of the booger-man.
Death and taxes are inevitable, and Dear Abby may coddle people, but I don't have patience for that.
Dear Jerkass: I have a very hard time expressing my condolences. I panic and avoid sadness at all costs. I'll give you two examples: My boss's husband died. (I worked for him, too.) Because I couldn't talk to her, I avoided her like she had the plague.
Another time, a close friend's son tried to commit suicide and severely injured himself. Instead of hugging my friend's wife and asking how she was, I waved and went on like I was late for something.
I'm ashamed of my behavior. How can I stop myself from acting like this? -- EMBARRASSED IN CALIFORNIA
You coward. Why don't you grow a pair and accept that we are all going to die. Running away from someone who has encountered death will not prevent you from dying.
What? Do you think you're going to croak if you acknowledge that someone died? Even if that were true, why worry about it? I've said it before; when you die, cognitive function ceases, therefore you cannot care that you are dead. If you cannot care about your own death, why worry about anyone else.
Just say "Sorry for your loss" and move on.
Damn freeloaders. Abby included.
DEAR Jerkass: My spouse and I, after many long years of school, advanced degrees and work in the corporate world, are now retired. We are (we hope) financially secure.
Both of us have siblings who were less successful for various reasons. What obligation do hardworking people have toward their less successful siblings, especially one who has been a freeloader his entire life?
"Rusty" sponged off his aging parents to keep from having to earn a decent living. We feel sorry for him, but it's the bed he made for himself years ago when he took shortcuts. We're afraid if we give him a hand, he'll expect an arm next time.
As far as I'm concerned, only Rusty's laziness prevents him from getting a part-time job to help pay the bills. If we give him money, we'll have to do it for the other siblings on both sides.
I know this sounds uncharitable, but we worked for 40 years and struggled through everything life had to throw at us. We saved every penny we could and invested wisely. How do we deal with family members who can take care of themselves, but don't? /-- ANONYMOUS IN AMERICA
Don't loan family money. Consider it a gift, and don't expect it back. You don't have to give a gift, that's the good part.
Offer to help find them a job, give rides, etc. That way you can feel charitable and maybe they'll figure out that they can't just mooch off family. If they are sincere, they'll get their act together.
But it sounds like you've already made up your mind, and are just looking for outside justification.
This one time, I was working four jobs and trying to pay for school. I had the choice to pay rent or buy groceries. I asked my parents for $80 to cover me for two weeks of groceries, and I would pay them back. They said they would "think about it".
I called them back and told them to forget it. I went hungry for almost two weeks.
Guess who I still talk to?
That's a different situation. However the similarities are what's important. That being "Do you actually care, or do you just want to look good to the rest of the family/exert moral superiority?"
No 80's My Two Dad's Reference
Dear Abby wishes she were this good.
DEAR Jerkass: Most of my childhood was spent with my grandparents, who raised me until I moved out at 21. I have always regarded them as my true parents because they were always there for me.
My biological parents were also a part of my life. I would visit them on weekends. I love them, too, and appreciate that they allowed me to have a stable childhood with my grandparents.
I am engaged to be married next summer, and I need to decide who should walk me down the aisle. I'd like my grandfather to have that honor, but I don't want to hurt my father by not asking him to do it.
What should I do when the time comes to make the decision? -- NAMELESS IN THE MIDWEST
Just tell your father that your grandad is closer to death, and you'd like to be nice to him before he kicks off. Who's going to object to a dying old man? Besides me?
Dear Abby won't tell it like this.
DEAR Jerkface: Organized religion has caused me many difficulties throughout my life. I would like to distance myself from it as much as possible. I consider myself a "religious independent." I believe in God, but I don't believe organized religion has anything to do with God.
My question concerns my funeral. Since a funeral is an organized religious ceremony, is it possible to have one without clergy being present? Have you heard of anything like this, and what would you suggest? -- WASHINGTON, D.C., READER
Dear Dead Guy,
You know what the funny thing is about your funeral? You're not even going to fucking be there. I mean, your rotting guts will be there, or most of them if you haven't been harvested.
So who cares if you have Joseph Stalin or Mother Theresa presiding over your corpse?
A funeral is about other people, the people who knew you. If they are uncomfortable with religion, take that into consideration, because trust me, you won't have the cognitive function to care. So instead of you glamorizing and fantasizing about all those people crying over your meat counter selection, why don't you take a look at the people you leave behind and think "What is the best way to console them?"
That might include clergy, it might not.
Picture Unrelated to Shut In
Abby's Bonnie lies over the ocean. I can be found here:
DEAR Jerkass: Our niece "Bonnie" has severe attachment problems. She still lives in her parents' home and is well into her 50s. Her father passed away several years ago, and her mother seems to be her only friend.
Bonnie has never had a serious relationship and has spent her life at one job and with her parents. Vacations and holidays have been spent with them only. Bonnie rarely accepts an invitation unless her mom is invited, does not communicate unless we reach out to her first and is very private about the smallest details in her life.
Her mother is aging and we are wondering how Bonnie will manage once her mom is gone. How do we approach someone who seriously needs help and guidance? -- CARING AUNT IN PITTSBURGH
The beauty of free will is that technically no life is wasted; she is apparently doing what she wants, and there is nothing in the world you can do to change her. In this stupid politically correct climate, we somehow thing that we have both a say and no say in peoples lives.
Call A&E and put her on hoarders, since you want to insinuate yourself in her life so much. Might make a dollar off her.
Remember Boo Radly. No? Most people don't because he's a literary character. My point is, we need more interesting people in our world, like the mental shut in that is your niece. As long as she is able to pay her bills and clean up after herself then she is fine. She could be flagellating herself and eating dirt, you really don't need to involve yourself. Just visit when you can and be a friend. Being a friend does not include chastising her for not having a boyfriend. What if she has a girlfriend, or is into dogs? What happens in other peoples bedrooms or private lives, even if we are related, is none of our concern.
You should write her, instead of an advice columnist, idiot.
Upper Back Problems are Worth It?
Read Abby in this link.
DEAR Jerkass: I'm 11 and in the sixth grade. I am very self-conscious. Every girl in my grade has a bigger chest than me, and I am feeling insecure because mine isn't developed.
I know I am young, but I want to fit in. Every day I feel horrible about myself. Can you help? -- INSECURE 6TH GRADER
I'm going to make this worse and then better.
Women are always going to make you feel insecure. Part of it will be because there are bitches out there that just want to destroy you socially because they view other women as a threat, and the other because you compare yourself to others. The former is never going to change, ever.
The solution to both is easy: stop comparing yourself to others, only to yourself.
How is that possible?
Let's compare it to a race: If you train hard, and try to be faster than you're last timing, you will improve. Sometimes you may improve to the point where you are faster than someone else. Sometimes a person will outrun you. As long as you are working to become faster than your last timing, you are always "winning". To paraphrase Baz Luhrman, "Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself."
But big tits aren't going to make you popular. Or they will, but for the wrong reasons, and then you'll find out what they are truly for while you breastfeed a baby at your prom.
Who cares if you have jugs or not? Anyone who tells you that bigger is better either has a small dick or has no self esteem.
Fitting in is good only if you actually care what other people say. As someone who never fit in, I say fuckem. And you should, too. Or not. Just don't slash your wrists over what some stupid teeny-bopper wrote about you online. That shit is stupid.
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.