Dear Abby, you needz to get more real, yo. Crabby be answern' ur questions.
(I'M SO WHITE!)
DEAR JERKASS: My daughter's third birthday is coming soon, and since the new thing is sending out website-generated invitations, I have noticed that it is becoming common to include the child's interests, clothes/shoe size, etc. in the invitation.
I'm uncomfortable about including this information because I feel a child should be grateful for anything he or she receives as a gift. Am I too old-fashioned or is this tacky? If it is acceptable these days, what's a good way to provide a child's wish list without sounding expectant of anything? -- YOUNG MOM IN SAN MATEO, CALIFORNIA
Dear Young Mom,
I get the listing interests thing. I guess it's so that the buyer isn't left wandering the isles of a toy store only to have a little boy open up a hair curling set out of some misplaced politically-correct politcal move for everyone's edification.
If you really want to up that game, instead of giving personal information, ask that everyone "make a charitable contribution in your child's name, and provide receipt and card". That will really make you the "winner" among the parents.
Or, it's a fucking three year old, and they will most likely play with the gaddamn box any gift they get comes in. SO instead of worrying about the proper guide for an e-vite, just invite people. If you get some parent that whines "but what if she get's duplicate gifts?!" give them everyone you invite's email, with an apology because some idiot is whining about gifts for a three year old.
I personally get behind duplicate gifts because of breakage. Try finding a Ty lion under $80 right now; ours may not survive the emotional support it provides our three year old.
P.S. If you really want, throw in a list of things YOU want or need. I know I need a new Android more than my kid needs to throw them.
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.