You Are Going To Die, Here's Something To Console You

Dear Abby won't tell it like this.


DEAR Jerkface: Organized religion has caused me many difficulties throughout my life. I would like to distance myself from it as much as possible. I consider myself a "religious independent." I believe in God, but I don't believe organized religion has anything to do with God.

My question concerns my funeral. Since a funeral is an organized religious ceremony, is it possible to have one without clergy being present? Have you heard of anything like this, and what would you suggest? -- WASHINGTON, D.C., READER

Dear Dead Guy,
You know what the funny thing is about your funeral?  You're not even going to fucking be there.  I mean, your rotting guts will be there, or most of them if you haven't been harvested.
So who cares if you have Joseph Stalin or Mother Theresa presiding over your corpse?
A funeral is about other people, the people who knew you.  If they are uncomfortable with religion, take that into consideration, because trust me, you won't have the cognitive function to care.  So instead of you glamorizing and fantasizing about all those people crying over your meat counter selection, why don't you take a look at the people you leave behind and think "What is the best way to console them?"
That might include clergy, it might not.
Selfish moron.