Here's the boring source.
DEAR JERKASS: For the last 10 years, my friends and I have gotten together on a fairly regular basis. We always bring potluck to share. While "Marcia" and I were assembling a meal, "Cindy" would contribute a bag of chips. We finally told her we thought the offerings were unequal, so she shaped up. We recently celebrated my birthday at my house, and Cindy "surprised" me with a beautiful blueberry crumble cake (her specialty). I was delighted and told her I had been craving that particular treat. As the afternoon wore on, I asked if we should bring out the dessert, but she said she wanted to "wait a while." A half-hour later, she announced she had to leave and wanted to take the cake with her. (We often take leftovers home, but her dessert hadn't even made it to the table.) When I said, "But we have no other dessert!" she said she had company coming and needed to take it with her. Then she put it in the container she had brought it in and left. Cindy is a close friend, and Marcia and I have put up with some of her quirks. But I'm thinking about confronting her about this latest gaffe because I'm afraid if I don't, my resentment will continue to build and our friendship will "crumble." Am I being petty? -- DESERTED DESSERT LOVER (cake) DEAR FATTY, That move Cindy did was just brilliant. I don't see why you are friends, though. Seriously. She seems a little too crafty for you knitting bags. I know the meaning of potluck is everyone brings a dish. You know what, though? More often than not those dishes are worthy of a Chernobyl disaster. I'm always thankful for a bag of chips around at those things. Then you and your buddy bully her into making things, and she goes and totally throws it in your face. Cindy, my advice to you is to find different friends. Real friends don't care if you bring a bag of chips, or nothing at all. They just want to hang around with you. A friendship is what you personally bring to the table, not what you physically bring.
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Source material. Who knew?
DEAR JERKASS: My husband, "Vinny," and I were married 11 years when he left me for another woman. Eight months later he decided the grass wasn't greener on that side of the fence and came back. Our marriage is better now than it was before the affair. Seven months later his younger brother "Nicky" got divorced and moved in with us. A short while after that, Vinny and Nicky joined a band. It has been a year now, and my brother-in-law is still here. I am more than ready for him to move out, but every time I mention it, Vinny says Nicky has "just" gone through a divorce and "we're all he has." I hate all the time Vinny devotes to the band. I try not to complain because I know how much he enjoys it, but I'm miserable. They practice in our basement on Mondays and Wednesdays, and every Friday and Saturday night is spent performing. I have no privacy! How do I get Nicky out of here? Should I push the issue with the band or let it go? My parents are furious with Vinny. They say he's reliving his childhood, Nicky is taking advantage and Vinny is taking me for granted. Can you offer some advice? -- HURTING IN NEW YORK DEAR SHOULD BE IN A TRAILER PARK, How many dogs do you have? Are they on the same chain as your wallet? How about you move out, and take everything with you, including having the utilities cut off. Did you read what you wrote, or did you just blindfold yourself and magically the letter somehow made it through the post? Because this is fucking stupid, and anyone reading it for the first time would think you are a doormat. Your only option is to wait until your husband cheats on you again, and then forgive him, and let his cousins move in. That's all you are capable of doing because you have no sense of respect for yourself, or the intelligence to realize that half of this is all your own fault. HOW CAN THIS BE BETTER THAN IT WAS BEFORE? He's using you. And you are letting Vinny do it. Here's the original.
DEAR JERKASS: My 19-year-old daughter was married last year. We gave her a formal church wedding. Of the 100 guests invited, several were longtime co-workers, who took the time to purchase lovely gifts and travel two hours to the wedding. Some also gave cash gifts. My daughter still hasn't sent out thank-you cards. I see my co-workers week after week, and I'm humiliated. I have mentioned it to my daughter several times, but she says it's too late to send them now. Abby, we raised her better than this. Every time I say anything about it, she gives me an argument. Please help. This eats away at me every day. Should I take the reins and send a short letter of apology to these dear co-workers? -- TORN UP IN TEXAS DEAR HUNG-UP, You paid for the wedding, I'm assuming, so you can say thank you if you want to. Your daughter doesn't have to. True, times get busy after a wedding, so it's fine to let some time lapse. But if she never invited them in the first place (or you invited on her behalf) she doesn't have to thank squat. I think you should worry more about your over inflated pride. You could thank them for going to your daughters wedding, but don't thank them on her behalf (and only if you paid for it). Get over it. If you can't, then you should go get a couple of two-by-fours and nail yourself to them. Here's the source material. You know, if you want, I could respond to actual letters...
DEAR JERKASS: I have been married to my husband, "Henry," for 25 years, and he refuses to call me by name. He doesn't call me anything -- certainly no terms of endearment. He just calls out or starts talking. He addresses our daughter's relatives, our neighbors and even our dog by name -- but refuses to say mine. I have mentioned to Henry many times how deeply hurt and resentful it makes me feel. He admits it's a problem, but refuses to get help because "he doesn't believe in counseling." I know things could be worse. I'm not abused physically, but I feel mentally abused. I find it hard living as a nobody. Can you give me an insight on how to cope with this? -- NAMELESS IN SOUTH NEW JERSEY DEAR..uhhh what was your name, again? Yeha, being married to a guy that either can't say your name (or can't remember it) is so worth it. How have you enjoyed being a cook, maid, and prostitute for the last 25 years? Sorry, that last one was a bit much. Whores charge money. You were more of a sex slave. I'd give you advice, but it seems like you don't have any will power or self respect. Just roll over and die. Here's the source.
DEAR JERKASS: A childhood friend of mine died from cervical cancer. "Katy" died because she didn't go to her OB/GYN for annual Pap smears. She was a beautiful, intelligent, talented wife and mother who was responsible in every other way. Katy simply couldn't face a pelvic exam because throughout her childhood she had been molested by her father. I know it's true, because her father molested me, too. Katy's doctor told her that had it been caught in the early stages, her cancer would have been curable. She hadn't been to see her OB/GYN since her last child was born nine years before. Because of what her father did to her, she was unable to allow anyone other than her husband to touch her. Abby, my friend suffered during the time between her diagnosis and her death. She fought to stay alive for her husband and children, whom she loved with all her heart. But in the end, cancer took her, and her family will suffer for years to come. PLEASE remind every woman and sexually active teenage girl about the importance of a yearly exam. Those who feel they can't deal with the exams should force themselves to talk to their OB/GYN and explain their fear. Otherwise, the sexual predators win again. I think they should be held accountable for the deaths for which they are ultimately responsible. -- SICK OF MOLESTERS DEAR SICK, While I'll agree that broads should have their cooches checked regularly, I'll argue your friend being intelligent or responsible. Though, it is customary to speak of dead people like they were saints, so you have social grace going for you in that way. Hopefully, if I die, people will have the common sense and basic integrity to say what a jerk I am. I will agree to the point regarding letting the pedo's win. I have said it before and I'll say it again; allowing the degenerates to affect ANY choices you make in life is giving them power. STOP BEING VICTIMS! If everyone else can go to the doctor, and you don't because some whack job diddled you, all you are saying is that you want someone to control your life. What happened to you was not your fault, and therefore should have the addition of zero to your life. If it wasn't your fault but you let it stop you from anything, then you are complicit. It is her fault for getting cancer, because she chose to be a victim. If a man walked into your house and pointed a gun at you or your children, that person is wrong. If you just stand there while they shoot your children, and you do nothing, you are wrong too. I don't care what anyone else says. This guy shot your friend with cancer, and took her away from her children. And she did nothing. People, if someone has molested you, find out online where you can either start a petition, or sign one, that chemically castrates pedophiles. The recidivism rate for pedo's is %100. At best you can teach them to avoid children, but they will still have perverted thoughts and fantasies. And rat them out. Unless you can find a better form of revenge, then do that. Abby just had some pamphlet to hock today. So todays' source comes from Dan Savage, a Seattle based advice columnist. I don't really have a problem with his advice, I just went random today.
DEAR JERKASS, My son is 19, but due to some physical and social disabilities (mostly unseen), his emotional maturity level is closer to 14, though he is quite intelligent. After a lifetime of therapists, specialized education, and other interventions, he is now a freshman in college far from home. His dad and I are paying for his tuition, room and board, and books. He was expected to use his summer job earnings for personal expenses. His lack of social skills makes him dependent on alcohol and cigarettes to form his social life, and that plus his immaturity (imagine sending your son to college at age 14) means he went through his money quickly. But he is still drinking and smoking and getting high. When he was home for his last break, I asked him how he affords to do this, and he wouldn't tell me. You can imagine what went through my head. (Drug dealing?) I asked if it was safe and legal, and he said yes. After some snooping, I learned that he is using a webcam service for chats with men who offer "tips" for sexual viewing. I suppose this is technically safe and legal, but because I'm unfamiliar with the technology involved, I don't know if he is putting himself at risk emotionally or if screenshots can be captured that can affect his future career, relationships, etc. I'm a longtime follower of your column, podcast, and books, and I hope that someday my son and I will be as close as you and your mother were. So tell me, Dan: What would Judy Savage do? DEAR MORON, You willingly sent your man-child with acknowledged cognitive difficulties to college and you are worried about his cam whoring and not the fact that he is drinking, smoking, and getting high all the time? Are you fucking stupid? I know those are all "part of the college experience" (which to me is bullshit) for most people, but it sounds like you are enabling a future alcoholic. Yeah yeah, a lot of girls strip to get through university or do other unsavory things. But doing it because they need beer money is a different matter. I'd say get some of his friends to do an intervention, but it seems like he doesn't have any. Looks like you might be SOL on this one. Other than cutting off his education money, forcing him into selling himself more online. I'd look into getting parenting classes and a time machine. Here's where I got the letter.
DEAR JERKASS: I am being divorced and my oldest son is being married. My soon-to-be-ex-wife does not want my girlfriend to attend. This has put a great deal of pressure on my son and his fiancee. I left my wife for this woman. I love her and would like her to attend with me. What is proper? -- DANNY IN DELAWARE DEAR CREE SLANG FOR VAGINA, Yeah, bringing the new chick you cheated on your wife with to your sons big day is a real fucking classy move. This is really a moral quandary for you? I guess it would be, since you didn't have the balls to just divorce your wife and respectfully wait for the paperwork to be filed. No, you used her as a stepping stone for someone else. I don't know how many different ways I can tell you that you are being a selfish prick... What kind of example is this to your son? "Hey, you're getting married. Let me show you what I think of marriage by bringing the person I left your mother for to your big day. Mind if I shit in this punch bowl?" Why don't you get your son a lottery ticket as a gift as well? I have this feeling that you have been misdiagnosed and are actually brain damaged, so I'll put it simply: TAKING THE CHICK YOU ARE FUCKING TO YOUR SONS WEDDING IS BAD, AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD! ...dickfart. Source.
DEAR JERKASS: My 83-year-old mother wants a tattoo! She loves classical music and has decided to have a musical note tattooed on her shoulder. Should I institutionalize her, or chauffeur her to the local tattoo parlor? -- SHOCKED IN GARDEN GROVE, CALIF. DEAR PRUDE, Your mother will probably be dead soon. Let her do what she wants. Dear Abby be trollin'.
DEAR JERKASS: May I sit in your chair and give some advice today? It's aimed at men who place ads on dating sites and then wonder why they can't meet "quality" women. I'm an educated, decent-looking, middle-aged widow who has dated quite a lot through such ads and local social groups. Yes, it can be a jungle out there, but the Internet is a wonderful tool for bringing people together. I live in a small town, and the pool of eligible men is smaller here than in metropolitan areas. That said, there are few profiles that attract my attention and that of my divorced/widowed friends. Gentlemen, some pointers: 1. Smile! A dour expression is unpleasant. 2. We may want to see you with your shirt off after we get to know you, but it's not the most appealing or refined pose for a first look. 3. Be realistic. If you are Joe Average, we Jane Averages would enjoy meeting you. Are you REALLY going to hold out for a model who is a decade or so younger than you? 4. Be kind to the English language. You don't have to be a genius, but it would be nice to know you can competently communicate in writing. 5. Consider a shave. Some women like men with facial hair; the majority of the ones I know do not. About 75 percent of men over 50 have a mustache, beard or both. What are you hiding under there? 6. If you're married and miserable, for goodness sake, go for marriage counseling or get a divorce. But please don't deceive women who want to meet a nice guy to share life with. In case you think I'm being too harsh, we gals welcome any suggestions from men who scroll through those female profiles looking for love. -- SURFING IN PETERSBURG, ILL. DEAR TROLLING, What unmitigated bullshit. I met my wife online, and the only reason she contacted me was she thought I was hot (she wears glasses, so she can be forgiven). Before I got that date with my future wife I had three women respond to my emails. Those were disasters. My wife's email was one of four I had received in two years (one told me that I was ugly and should get off...pretty sure it was my ex). I've also made fake female accounts (long story short it was shits and giggles), and let me tell you, the nicest guy in the world is not going to make it past the emails a woman gets. You would not believe the crap. One guy told me he could "smell my crotch through the monitor." I got WAAAAY more responses from women when I used a hot guy pic (Jake) and was mean to them. I even used the female account to find out about the fake guy account. Women I had never met were telling "Nadia" that they knew "Jake" and he was a real jerk and should stay away. Those women would then make plans with "Jake". And Jake would never show up.... Surfing, all you've shown is that women with lists should be avoided. We all know the list people. They get asked "what are you looking for in a partner?" and they come out with a laundry list of deal breakers. You've given us a list of things you want, and implied that they won't get your attention otherwise. And men, being ruled by their smaller heads, will follow that list, and not be themselves. Warning guys: women do not like suggestions about their profiles. Why would they? "Hey, I won't date you, but here's some suggestions regarding how your profile is wrong..." Yeah. That'll go over real well. Ass. Who cares?
DEAR JERKASS: Once a year I invite my mother, who lives in Arizona, to visit me in California. This year, Mom has decided to bring one of my sisters along because "she really needs a vacation." My sisters live in the same city as Mom and can visit her anytime they please. I see Mom once a year at most, and I do not want to share my limited time with her. How do I let my sisters know they're not welcome without causing a family rift? -- WANTS QUALITY TIME WITH MOM DEAR WHINER, Tell your sister you don't have the room for her, or that if she really needs a vacation, she won't get one from you because (insert country music lyrics here) and how horrible it all is. Or visit your mom instead. Or kill yourself, it's all the same to me. |
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun. Archives
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