Dear Abby and I were almost on the same page today. Going to have to up my game some.
Here's the tumor: DEAR CRABBY: I have been married for 18 years to a wonderful woman who was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few years ago. We don't know how much time she has left, but she feels the cancer has robbed her of her "retirement." She is trying to persuade our family to move to Florida so she can enjoy some warm weather. Abby, for many reasons I do not want to move. We have lived in the Midwest all our lives. My elderly parent would be all alone if we move, and I have a sibling who is also terminally ill. I have had the same job for 25 years, and I don't want to give it up because I have the freedom to do much of my work from home, which allows me to help my wife and have income as well. If we move, there would be no guarantee that I could find a similar work situation that is so beneficial. My wife says I'm being selfish because I'm unwilling to leave my job, family and friends to do as she wants. I understand her desire to live in a warmer climate, but I think she's the one who is being selfish. What do you think? -- WANTS TO STAY PUT Dear Wants to Stay Put, You say you can work mostly from home? Why can't you take a working vacation and telecommute from Florida and look for work there. Tell your wife that is the best option you can give her. Ask your work if there would be a possibility of a rehire if you needed to quit to take care of your dying wife. This is the possible dying wish of your wife. Wives take precedent over other family, in my worldview. Your elderly mother will be fine, and you can ask neighbors to look in on her while you're away on your mini-vacay. Your sibling doesn't have stage 4 cancer, so they're not as bad off as your wife. On the bright side, your wife could get her last wish and die in Florida, and then you could move back to the Midwest after and get your old job back and see all your old friends. Since that's what's important to you, I gather. Or, you could divorce her, she'll get half of everything and move to Florida and then if you really play your cards right, when she dies she can leave all her stuff to you. Doesn't this all sound so skeezy and manipulative? Just move to Florida and spend some really awesome time with your wife. if your family loves you, they'll understand. Tempis Fugit, stultus.
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Dear Abby wouldn't even answer this one: Here's hers.
Here's mine (and someone please send in responses. I don't mind screaming in the dark, but sometimes it gets tedious) DEAR CRABBY: I am getting married soon, and I am not inviting one of my co-workers, "Darrell," who I know will be hurt. I have looked up to him as an uncle for a few years. We eat lunch together and share gossip, but my fiance and I decided not to invite him even though we are inviting other people from the office. Darrell was recently arrested for supposedly raping his daughter. He went to court, but the daughter failed to appear, so the charges were dropped. Since then, even though I consider him a friend, I have seen him in a different light. I know he could be innocent, but my fiance and I do not want him at our wedding around family and kids. I don't know how to tell him he won't be invited. What should I say or not say? -- BRIDE-TO-BE IN THE USA Dear Bride, While I agree with the concepts of "guilty until proven innocent" and would like to uphold that ideal, prevention of wounding innocent people is more important. Even people who have not gone to court may be restrained in a jail cell in order to keep the public safe from a perceived threat, and I think that is the view you should take. Or if you prefer a biological analogy; you don't know if he's diseased yet, so you're waiting until evidence of infection show up. Because of this he is in isolation to protect the populace. Abby didn't even answer this one, so here's my advice: Inform Darrell that while you understand "guilty until proven..." but that other people at the wedding have already made up their minds, and if he were to be invited, it could cause undue attention on a day that is supposed to be about you and your groom. You are very sorry for what is going on (sorry can mean; for trusting him, his plight, etc, and not an actual personal "sorry"), but that's why he wasn't invited. The two things I would like to happen are: if the daughter lied, that she get's the full brunt of the law. Second, if he is guilty, that chemical castration is petitioned for. The recidivism rate for pedophiles is %100. There is no therapy for their kind. He will never get better, but castration has been proven to reduce these degenerates proclivities. Dear Abby sure likes to avoid stuff. Especially death. Here's hers. Now here's mine.
DEAR CRABBY: When I was growing up, I was taught to love animals and I had several. For various reasons I never had to deal with making the decision to put one to sleep. As I grew older, I realized we don't have the right to "own" living creatures, but we can take care of them. Eventually, my dog became ill and I had to make the choice to put him down. It was heartbreaking, and while I support my local animal shelter, I vowed to never again have another animal I would have to make that decision for. Now my children are asking me to find a dog for them, and I'm at a loss about what to do. Do I first make them aware that the animal we love will die in some fashion, including that we may have to decide to put him to sleep? Or do I let them have an animal and let them deal with the heartbreak when the time comes? Thanks for your input. -- ANIMAL GUARDIAN IN MICHIGAN Dear Animal guardian, Death is a part of life. It's inevitable, and trying to ignore it is what people do 99% of their day. You have lived a sheltered life, even with your softening of the idea of death by calling it "sleep", and now you are reaping the cost of that insulation. A very small death, important to you, no doubt, has happened. And now you are emotionally unprepared to deal with it yourself, or even to offer advice on the consequences of death to someone else. Here is a situation that I've had to deal with, and why it makes me a little numb to your quandary: I was walking to an office job when I heard a squealing sound. it was organic, like a pig makes. As I got closer I saw that a young woman had backed over a racoon. Several bystanders were lollygagging around just watching as this half of an animal boiled out its vocal ripping last breaths. They did nothing because they had never had to deal with death in any real way. This animal suffered because death is "inappropriate" in our lives. I walked next door, got a log from someones winter stash, and used it to break the raccoons neck. Then I went to work. Some of you reading may shudder and ask "why didn't I try to help it?" or quibble over the "psychotic response" I gave. This animal was dead, it just didn't know it. Because most people never have to see such a thing as this, they vilify it, or let it send them screaming to whatever bobble can catch their attention; iPhones, twitter, Michael Bay movies, etc. When push comes to shove, they are completely psychologically unprepared, even past the normal grieving process, such as yourself. You are incapable of moving on properly to the point where you want to hide from your emotions, and stunt your own children. Death can be introduced into a child's life without destroying their innocence. It needs to be introduced slowly, with perspective and the solemnity that it deserves. Keeping it from them entirely won't help them in the long run. I would begin with smaller pets, such as goldfish or a hamster. When those pets die (and they will), treat it as a practice run of life to come. Use it as a moral lesson, if you need to, such as "Death is the greatest reason why we need to be kind to one another. Our time here is short, and we should appreciate it and try to make not only our own lives better, but others as well", or some other nonsense. Sheesh. Your whole life has been altered because of the death of one animal. What are you going to do when the death of your own species dies? Perhaps you should take some preventative grief counseling. Consensus sides with Abby.
All I see are tangled webs. I quote the ineffable Cameron Frye: "Look don't make me participate in your stupid crap if you don't like the way I do it." Dear Crabby, My niece confided in me that she and her fiance eloped. Her parents are planning her wedding for next month. I tried to advise her to tell her parents, but she still hasn't. She's living at home and her "fiance" lives in a different city. I don't pretend to understand why they felt like doing this. Should I just sit back while she continues to lie to her parents while they plan on her getting "married" in a month? I'm at a loss. I wanted to give her a chance to come clean, but because she hasn't, do I intervene? Do I threaten that if she doesn't fess up, I'll spill the beans? Or should I just let her keep heading down the road she's on? -- ANXIOUS AUNT Dear Anxious, Yeah, she's a lying liar. She didn't confide in you, she made you an accessory to the fact. I would say keep it to yourself unless someone asks directly. If her parents come to you and say "Hey, did she already get married?" You can answer. There might be mitigating circumstances as to why they eloped; insurance coverage, she's pregnant, they just wanted the pressure off so they could enjoy the "big" day. Those would all be legitimate reasons to hold off telling, and wait for the appropriate time. It feels like there's lying on all sides for this one. What are her parents like that she needs to hide the marriage? I would put the ball back into your nieces court: Tell her that you need a legitimate reason why she should keep this secret. If it's some bullshit answer, then I would haul everyone together and tell. Put your niece and and (sister, brother?) all into one room and get it out. What's the worst that could happen, really? Your niece stops talking to you? That's her fault for lying in the first place. Then again I come from a family that lies and cons each other all the time, so I'm sick of that shit. You can all go fuck yourselves on this one. Dear Abby, y u no tell teens to get over it?
DEAR CRABBY: I'm 16 and I need help. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend, "Bailey," for six months and things are complicated. She's very insecure, and it's hard to keep her happy for any extended period of time. I have thought about breaking up with her because I want her to be happy, and the same goes for me. But then I think I'd rather be miserable at times and happy at others and be with her, than end it and possibly feel worse. Please give me some advice. I love Bailey and I don't know what to do. -- LOST IN ARIZONA Dear Lost, Are you fucking kidding me. You couldn't Google this crap, or talk to your parents or a councilor? Okay, you're 16. I'll let you off for that, since right now your brain is not wired to make truly logical decisions (it's true, that's not even my opinion. Look it up). Dump her. Do it nicely, yeah. Add in all those things about how you're young, whole lives ahead of you, not the end of the world, she'll meet someone nice, yadda yadda yadda. Point is, in seven years you are going to physically and mentally be a completely different person, with different hopes and ideas. And the best way to define who you are is by solitary refinement. Sadness and loneliness are viewed as negative things, but you should view them as growing pains. Comparatively you should view comfort as something suspect right now, because comfort will keep you where you are. To be cliche, the hand you are holding is holding you down. Besides, you don't need a woman in your life right now. You need to pay attention to your personal life goals and what you want out of life. Now quit reading Dear Abby letters and go live your life. Just keep it in your pants until you think you're strong enough to take care of a baby Dear Abby, meet unencumbered truth.
DEAR CRABBY: My boyfriend and I are in our 40s and have been living together for several years. The house we live in is in his name only, and he pays the mortgage. I own a townhouse I bought before I met him, and I make the payments on it. People often ask us why I don't sell it. I usually give some excuse, but the real reason is, when he drafted his will, he left everything to his mother -- at her insistence. He seems to think it's too much trouble and expensive to change his will to include me. I want to be sure I have a place to live, so I have kept my townhouse. Needless to say, our views on this situation differ. What's your opinion? -- HEDGING MY BETS IN TEXAS Dear Hedging, You are forty. You apparently have lived this long without killing yourself in some Darwinian way, so kudos for being a reasonably intelligent mammal. You're still being an emotional idiot. Dump that momma's boy right now. Just the thought that a parent would get financial recompense for their full grown child dying is disgusting. Parents die and leave their kids an inheritance, not the other way around. The fact that his mother coerced him to do it makes me want to wish horrible things upon this man. This man will suck the remaining life out of you and will leave you with nothing. Literally. Pack up and leave. You at least know you have a place to stay. Then, go to a book store, hang around a topic you like, and if a good looking guy offer to buy the book he looks at. Presto. You're already more confident and you have something in common. Here's Abbys article.
She focused more on the etiquette of a phone call. People on their cell while driving piss me off. I assume this woman is not using a bluetooth or hands free headset when she drives, though. Here you go: DEAR CRABBY: I have a friend who lives a few states away. We talk on the phone every week. Either she calls me or I call her. Every time she calls me, it's when she is driving somewhere. As soon as she arrives at her destination or pulls up in her driveway, she says, "I'm home (here) now. Gotta go!" and hangs up. This has been going on for years. I stay on the phone all the time she rambles on and never cut her short. It's really starting to get to me. What should I do? -- FUMING IN FLORIDA Dear Fuming, Get a second phone handy. Next time she calls you, call her local police and tell them where she is, her license plate, etc. Driving while on a cell is dangerous and in most places, illegal. Do this every time she calls you. And when she does call you, ask her to call you back when she's home so that you can have an actual conversation. Do this if you want to end the friendship. Otherwise, if she is your friend, you can tell her openly and honestly how you feel. She might be calling you from the road because it's the only way to talk to you, because she's busy. And even though she's busy she wants to talk to you. But really, it's taken years for you to complain about it? Seems like you're just looking for an excuse to stop talking to her. Very kindergarten. I didn't disagree entirely with Dear Abby today. However, assholes that hit or verbally abuse their wives or children should be beaten, and the responses of the victims should be faster and more "aggressive".
Pedophiles should be chemically castrated. Without further ado: DEAR CRABBY: I'm a 27-year-old woman trapped in a loveless marriage. My husband is a few years younger, and very co-dependent. Before he dated me, he had never had a girlfriend or a sexual encounter. I came into the relationship with a child and some trust/fear issues because my ex had abused me. My husband has now become verbally, sexually and to a lesser degree, physically abusive, to the point of striking my 5-year-old son. I threw him out for that, but caved to pressure from my family to take him back. They think he's a "stabilizing" influence in my life. They don't know about, or can't grasp, his abuse or the abuse I survived previously. If I hint at it, they accuse me of "lying for attention." My husband has left for basic training with the army and will be gone for a few months. I already feel freer, lighter and more able to cope with things. If I leave him while he's away, the social and family repercussions will be devastating. My son and I may be forced to relocate. I'm torn and afraid. I went through with the marriage only to please my family, as the abuse started before the wedding. It has been a year and a half, and all I can think about is getting out. Help me, please. -- CANADIAN READER Dear Canadian Reader, Get some cameras, set them up around the house, and catch him in the act. He's gone for the next thirteen weeks or so, and he'll likely be in St. Jean or Borden, so you have time and space. Prepare for war and plan to escape. Abuse is grounds for divorce and you will be legally entitled to half his pension from the military. Trust me, I know a few people in the military that are divorced. The Canadian Forces won't even hesitate to garnish his wages. When you have video footage you can show your family, and if they chastise you for setting up a trap, you'll know who you can trust. If you can't trust them, they aren't your family, end of story. Financially you can be taken care of. Before all of this, all the planning or lack of, put this thought in your head though: How far are you willing to allow your son to be beaten? How much are you willing to let your son see of your abuse? Do you want your son to one day act like his step-father? Your husband is going to be physically trained for aggression, and though basic training in Canada is not like the United States, do you think he is going to come back kinder and gentler? If anything he might pick up a few ideas. Then there is the Military Family Resources Center (MFRC). They have exactly the resources for you, from legal to therepy, childcare, etc. (I am not saying anything bad about the CF. I am saying that if a person has aggression issues, it's not going to get better without therapy). He won't change unless something drastic happens. Do not take him back, even if he seems to have changed. You can eventually forgive him, if you want to. But do not get romantically involved with him ever again. He will only learn if the consequences are permanent. Taking him back will simply tell him what he has to lie about to not get in trouble, or worse, he'll might make revenge plans to set you up. Back to your family, your word should be good enough. And anyone who encourages you to go back to a condition of violence needs to get their fucking head examined. In summation: get out, GET out, GET OUT! This piece of shit deserves to have the rug pulled out from under him. You and your son are more important than your family right now, and relocation is a good thing if it means safety. While I often champion communication for relationship problem solving, this is just one big stupid mess. Here's Abby's.
And here's mine: DEAR CRABBY: I have been intimately involved with another woman. Our relationship has been great for the past eight months. There is an immense amount of love and caring for each other. Although we have been together, we do not currently live together. My problem is she's still living with her ex-husband. They have been separated for 12 years, but circumstances have brought them back into the same residence. I don't have an issue with their "roommate" situation. I have been to their home, have stayed the night and I'm OK with their arrangement. What I DO take issue with is him introducing himself as her husband. Since I heard him do that, I have been in an uncomfortable state. Am I wrong for feeling this way, or is she wrong for allowing it to happen? -- SEETHING IN SACRAMENTO Dear Seething, What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with? C'mon, really think about it. Here's a hint: People often look for one solution. But often there are a series of events that lead to a conclusion, or multiple conclusions. If a spouse has sexual intercourse with another while married, it is adultery. But in order to petition for divorce, you have to establish not only that adultery has taken place, but also that you find it intolerable to live with your spouse. If you have already separated the first part is correct, but the second is not. But outside of arbitrary human laws, in a very personal way it's disrespectful for everyone. And fucking drama filled stupidity. They shouldn't be living together, regardless of the external circumstances. It's not separation if you live together. There needs to be emotional/physical time (for some as little as six months) to get the habits of another person out of their system. She should move out, he should stop referring to himself as her husband, you should break up. When all the paperwork is done and you and her have re-asserted yourselves as individuals, then you can try a relationship. Besides, do you really want to be with a person who hasn't sorted their shit from the last relationship? You can't even say this person has baggage; it's not packed and carried around, they're still living in it. You are all wrong in this situation. The answer to the riddle is; a chair, a bed, and a toothbrush. Three separate things. Here's Dear Abby's article.
And here's my unsolicited advice: DEAR CRABBY: I'm a young professional female with a military background. I'm well-educated and have a great job. However, I am also tattooed. The design is a tasteful full sleeve, with some work on my chest and other arm. I will be attending a black tie affair for my boyfriend's company and am wondering what attire would be appropriate for such an event. I'm not ashamed of my art, and I have no issue with baring my arms, but would this be acceptable in this circumstance? -- FOREVER COVERED Dear Covered, Ask to call your husbands co-workers wives and see what they are wearing. Don't mention tattoos, just ask if it's really formal and ask probing questions about scandalous couples. Basically, find out who your enemies are. Facebook them, look to see if any of them have tattoos, etc. Or say "Fuck 'em" and just have a good time. |
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun. Archives
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