While I often champion communication for relationship problem solving, this is just one big stupid mess. Here's Abby's.
And here's mine:
DEAR CRABBY: I have been intimately involved with another woman. Our relationship has been great for the past eight months. There is an immense amount of love and caring for each other. Although we have been together, we do not currently live together.
My problem is she's still living with her ex-husband. They have been separated for 12 years, but circumstances have brought them back into the same residence. I don't have an issue with their "roommate" situation. I have been to their home, have stayed the night and I'm OK with their arrangement.
What I DO take issue with is him introducing himself as her husband. Since I heard him do that, I have been in an uncomfortable state. Am I wrong for feeling this way, or is she wrong for allowing it to happen? -- SEETHING IN SACRAMENTO
What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with? C'mon, really think about it.
Here's a hint: People often look for one solution. But often there are a series of events that lead to a conclusion, or multiple conclusions.
If a spouse has sexual intercourse with another while married, it is adultery. But in order to petition for divorce, you have to establish not only that adultery has taken place, but also that you find it intolerable to live with your spouse. If you have already separated the first part is correct, but the second is not. But outside of arbitrary human laws, in a very personal way it's disrespectful for everyone. And fucking drama filled stupidity.
They shouldn't be living together, regardless of the external circumstances. It's not separation if you live together. There needs to be emotional/physical time (for some as little as six months) to get the habits of another person out of their system.
She should move out, he should stop referring to himself as her husband, you should break up. When all the paperwork is done and you and her have re-asserted yourselves as individuals, then you can try a relationship.
Besides, do you really want to be with a person who hasn't sorted their shit from the last relationship? You can't even say this person has baggage; it's not packed and carried around, they're still living in it.
You are all wrong in this situation.
The answer to the riddle is; a chair, a bed, and a toothbrush. Three separate things.
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Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.