DEAR JERKASS: I live in Colorado. In my state marijuana is legal now. What do you think about my inviting my adult children (they are all over 21) and my aging dad to get stoned with me? I think it might stimulate conversation and motivate more family time than we spend together now. What do you think of "family night" with marijuana as a way to improve family unity? -- ORIGINAL THINKER IN DENVER
DEAR RETREAD, Why stop there? Why not invite everyone over for a circle jerk? Nothing says family more than sitting around and doing something stupid. Why not do DMT? It only last 15 minutes and it's non addictive. Forget if it's legal or not. Stupidity doesn't follow the laws anyway. What kind of conversation do you want to have with your father? I'm sure he wants to sit around hearing you comment about stupid things. Pot just makes ordinary and boring things seem important. A toaster is not important and won't stop the corporations, man. Do what you want. Why would you even write an advice columnist about something this stupid. Kids are killing each other overseas with guns purchased from soft drug sales and you want to get high with your family. Brav-fucking-oh.
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Sorry for the delay, folks. Abby felt that people on the verge of suicide and teen runaways weren't as important as old people going to see an ophthalmologist.
Here you go: DEAR JERKASS: My 19-year-old son has been dating the daughter of one of my friends I'll call "Mona." We didn't set them up; they met at some parties. Last summer we discovered they were having sex because "Meghan" thought she was pregnant. Luckily, it turned out she wasn't. They broke up but have gotten back together recently. When I asked Mona if she was putting Meghan on birth control, Mona said that she wouldn't because "that would be letting her know it's OK to have sex." I said, "Better safe than sorry!" and we left it at that. I let my son use my car last weekend and found an opened box of emergency contraception on the floor. Because my son never answers his phone, I called Meghan and stressed to her that unprotected sex is irresponsible and that they aren't ready for a baby. I warned her to take precautions and get on birth control, and I helped her to make the arrangements. Was it wrong to discuss this behind her mother's back? Should I tell Mona after promising Meghan I wouldn't say anything? What should I do? -- MOM VERSUS FRIEND DEAR OSTRICH, 19 and you're just now having "the talk"? You ignorant moron. And yes, it was wrong to talk to his girlfriend without talking to him first, even if he "never picks up the phone". You should have raised him to be an adult BEFORE he turned voting age. While the content of what you said was correct, how you went around it was wrong. Now we have a coddled man-child who's mother is going to involve herself in his sexual activities. And no, you shouldn't tell "Mona" because that woman already has her head up her ass, as well as the fact that Meghan's not your daughter (yet, who knows), and you may end up causing another break up as well as resentment from her. What's done is done. Instead of writing an advice column you should have gone to some parenting courses. DEAR JERKASS: My husband, who is nearing 60, throws plates of food at the wall if he gets upset about something. It is usually minor and totally spontaneous. He then leaves it for me to clean up and won't apologize. I am sick of living with a 60-year-old going on 4. What can I do? -- HAD ENOUGH IN ILLINOIS
DEAR MORON, He's sixty and doing this? How long have you been married? You, madam, are a moron for putting up with plate throwing the first time. You wouldn't accept this kind of behaviour for a toddler, so don't put up with it from an adult. Next time he does it don't clean it up, and start giving him a baby bottle. If he throws the bottle, tell him the next thing he throws away will be his marriage because you aren't going to put up with his spoiled baby routine. Balls up. What rational person thinks this is okay? You are nothing but his emotional slave. I tried to post this on the Dear Abby website. Needless to say it wasn't allowed. Truth rarely is.
DEAR JERKASS: My in-laws are pressuring me to let them take our small children for overnights and trips around the city. I'm extremely uncomfortable about it because I don't trust their supervision. They obviously love the kids, and I'm happy they're in our children's lives -- as long as they come to our house to visit. There have been several instances in which they made some questionable decisions with respect to supervising my little ones in public. I have so far successfully dodged their requests, but it will be impossible to do it forever. If I tell them how I -- and their son -- feel, they will be hurt, especially because my parents routinely watch the kids outside our home. What's the best way to handle this with the least hurt feelings? -- ST. LOUIS MOMMY DEAR HOVER MOM, First off you didn't state how old your children are. Small could mean 5. Second, you did not explain what they actually did wrong, you just claimed they didn't meet your expectations. The best way to resolve this issue is to look at your husband (and any siblings he may have) and think about the kids that died under your in-laws care. I'm thinking none. You are lucky. Many of my in-laws would like to put bubble wrap around my kids and winter coats on them in summer. I live in an area where hover parents don't let their kids ride bikes until seven, and then only with training wheels. If they get more than ten feet away they are ready to call the police. The only way to prevent being insulting is to stop being a controlling bitch and trust your in-laws. So they don't have apron strings as tight as yours; That does not mean your kids will die or even get seriously hurt or abducted on their watch. Let them have an overnight. Let them build trust with you. They may not do things your way, but that doesn't make them wrong. I understand respecting a parents wishes, especially dietary concerns (giving Pepsi to a toddler is a no-no, no matter how much they beg the grandparents). But your kids are not going to be under your control every minute of every hour of every day. Teachers are going to do things different than you. Camp Counselors. Daycare workers. You want sheltered kids who can't function in society? DEAR ABBY: We went out to dinner with another couple. The wives are psychiatric nurses; the husbands are a banker and a business owner. All of us are accustomed to dealing with "sensitive" issues.
A woman at the table next to ours went to the ladies' room. When she returned, a short "train" of toilet paper was caught in the waistband of her slacks. It was very obvious. There was silence, but a palpable "energy," so the woman knew something was amiss and it might have something to do with her. The tissue "floated" with each step, so I knew it wasn't weighed down with moisture. Because I didn't perceive it to be an imminent public health threat, I joined the silent legion. Did I miss a moral imperative by not letting her know? I didn't know how to do it discreetly. If this should ever happen again, what -- if anything -- should I do? -- MR. MANNERS IN MASSACHUSETTS DEAR OBLIVIOUS, What, are you serious? You excuse yourself from the table, pass their table, apologize for interrupting, hold out your hand to introduce yourself, then lean in and quietly mention that she had toilet paper hanging out her pants, and wish everyone a good meal. That's not so hard, is it? (source) DEAR ABBY: I am planning to attend a birthday party for my friend "Sophia" who is turning 50. When I mentioned to her that I would be shopping for her birthday gift, she asked that while I was shopping for her, that I also pick up a gift for her friend "Stacy."
I have met Stacy only a couple of times, and I think it was extremely nervy for Sophia to ask me to do it. The party is only for her, and I don't see the connection. Sophia has done this in the past, and I'm trying to think of a way to tell her I'd rather not buy a gift for her friend. How should I handle this? -- NO LONGER A DOORMAT DEAR BRAIDED RUG, Is she paying you back for picking out a gift? It's details like this that change everything. If she expected you to pay for a gift for one of her friends then yes, she's a bitch and you're a doormat. If she was simply asking you a favor then what the fuck is it to you? You're so much better than Sophia that you can't help her out, that's what I'm reading. You should feel bad for Stacy. She thinks she's getting a gift from someone that put effort and thought into it, and instead she's getting a twice removed shelf grab. Sounds like you are all self involved and deserve each other. (source) This time around Abby targeted independent writers. This one hit close to home since my wife is my first audience and helps me edit. I also depend on a network of readers to give me input on what I write, so disingenuous comments don't just hurt me in an egomaniacal way, but in a financial way as well. Here's the letter:
DEAR JERKASS: My friend's husband has been writing a novel for several years. He just self-published it, and it's available on Amazon. He gave me a copy, asked me to read it and enter a great review on the Amazon page. The problem is the book is filled with misused and misspelled words, and there is missing punctuation. He even switched the names of two characters. (His wife, who is a "perfectionist," was his editor.) Aside from the fact that I don't want to finish the book, I know he or my friend will ask me how I liked it. I don't want to lie because I'm afraid if someone else brings these things to their attention, they'll know I didn't read it or think I should have told them. I know they will be embarrassed if I bring it to their attention. Frankly, I think it's too late to say anything negative because the book has already been printed. I also don't want to cause hurt feelings because I know how long he worked on this project and he's proud of it. How do I handle this? -- READER IN THE SOUTHWEST DEAR LIAR, How dare you even call yourself "Reader" when you won't even read the work. As a self published writer myself I HATE it when I give a manuscript to someone, ask them to read it, and they come back with "It was good!" when they didn't mean it or read it. It's not 'too late' to point out errors. If it's self-published it's either a digital book or print on demand and can be fixed easily. Basically, by sugar coating your answer and possibly the review, you are doing him a great disservice. He may have hurt feelings when you tell him you thought it sucked, but he'll get over it. And if you follow it up with WHY you did or didn't like something he should be able to put on his big boy pants and find out if he needs to tweak anything. That's what he wanted from you. It's a way to refine and hone the craft and take off our blinders. I once passed an article that I had not written to a friend and asked his opinion. He was very nice and said it was interesting. When I countered him with "Did you not see the glaring issues with the article so-and-so wrote?", he back peddled and said he thought it was mine. He then honestly commented calling it "schizophrenic rantings". The fact he lied to me because he thought it was mine bothered me far more than anything negative he could have said. I decided from that moment on that I would pass on manuscripts and claim they weren't mine so that I could get an honest opinion. So Reader? If you can't give him your honest opinion you might as well pants him in public, because other people who may not like his work will be more than eager. Really this boils down to you not wanting to look bad, and not actually caring about his feelings or the work itself so much as caring for how you look to others. So go shove your head in a bucket of water and take a deep breath. (source) DEAR JERKASS: I bought a friend a gift recently. Her response? "You should have just given me the money because I really need it." A few years ago, I was going to buy another friend an expensive pair of shoes and she convinced me not to because she said she could buy 10 pairs from a discount store for the amount I was planning to spend.
I love giving gifts during the holidays and for birthdays, and enjoy choosing things I think my friends might like or need. I hate giving money! Isn't part of the gift-giving experience for the giver, too? I feel it should be my choice to buy whatever I want for someone, and their response should just be, "Thank you." It irks me when people dictate to me what I should give them. Am I just being a control freak, or do I have the wrong idea of gift-giving? -- GIFT GIVER IN TEXAS DEAR STRINGS ATTACHED, Know what that Rabbi down the street likes? A side of bacon. He should accept the gift and just say "thank you". It was expensive bacon, too. Pancetta. Italian rolled bacon. Who doesn't like bacon, right? While I can agree with you that people should be more gracious when given something they don't need, I also understand being given something I have no use for, even if it is interesting. It's another thing that sits around the house that I would love to get rid of but can't because of the social mores that dictate I keep it. Especially if said object is asked about when the giver comes by for a visit. "Hey, where's that Georgia O'Keeffe ten foot print I got you?" "...yeah...I don't really like paintings that look like blue waffles so I burned it..." Awkward! So maybe if you give a gift instead of waiting for the person to grovel at your feet, or even say thank you, you should bask in the warming glow that the act of generosity gives you. Its especially warming when you do it without any expectations. (source) DEAR JERKASS: I just found out that my husband of 30 years is having an affair. When I confronted him, he said: "I have a girlfriend. I can't imagine the rest of my life without girlfriends, so get over it!" Then he told me he has never been faithful, but that he loves me and would be devastated if I left. He considers his fooling around to be "safe and harmless escapades."
Abby, my heart is broken. He has flaunted this woman in my face, and embarrassed and humiliated me in public. Now he's angry with me because I told her husband what is going on. How do I find the strength and courage to leave? I have some health issues and haven't worked in years. What do I tell our kids? My world is crashing down around my ears. -- HEARTBROKEN IN THE SOUTH DEAR PUSHOVER, How do you have the lack of will to stay? He's an asshole, and you are a fucking idiot. What self respecting person allows someone to lie to them like this? He doesn't love you, he just wants to control you. And like the dumb cur you are you are letting him. Find family to stay with and lawyer up. You may not have money now, but after you put him through the ringer he'll probably have to pay your legal fees as well. Meanwhile, stay with family if you can and try to get an online degree that helps you work from home. Need courage? Think about what a horrible example he is for your kids. That should bring a spark of the momma bear out. If it doesn't, then just lay down and shut your mouth. That's what he wants you to do. (divorce) DEAR JERKASS: I am a gay man who has had a difficult, distant relationship with my only brother, "Bill." He has made many nasty, homophobic remarks, and my partner, "Jon," has been excluded from many family gatherings. Because Jon wasn't welcomed I also did not attend those gatherings, and I endured further wrath because I didn't.
Bill's daughter has just announced that she is a lesbian. His reaction is mystifying. He has embraced her and her partner and has lovingly included them into the heart of the family. I am happy that my niece has found love and support. I am also jealous that she has a better father than I did a brother. Are my feelings justified? -- SAD SIBLING IN VIRGINIA DEAR BABY, There is the off chance that your brother never liked you. Just because you are related doesn't mean he has to accept you. I mean, it's nice and all when family can get along, but having genetic similarities shouldn't demand fealty. Being gay might just be a way for him to bug you. There is the other possibility that your brother doesn't like your partner, and that's the reason you were excluded from family events. In any case, you could use this opportunity to try to connect with your brother instead of sitting in the corner crying about the favorite child. You know, like children do. (source) |
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun. Archives
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