DEAR JERKASS: I need advice on how to deal with my 18-year-old daughter. A few months ago she was ready to go to college. Then she met this guy via Snapchat. He's unemployed, lives with a friend who is under house arrest, has a criminal record and has nothing to offer her.
We took our car away from our daughter to keep her from driving it there. Two weeks ago, she packed her stuff and left with him. She has no job, has spent all of her graduation money and is running up our cellphone bill while living with him. My wife is a wreck, and we don't know what to do. -- DAD IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR APPALACHIAN INBRED: Are you kidding me? This is how you deal with her: you change the locks on your house, you cut off her cell phone, and you call the cops when she shows up because clearly she doesn’t want anything to do with you and the next time you see her she’ll be asking for money. Your job (yes, your JOB) was to get her ready to survive on her own without you. Pat yourself on the back because apparently she thinks she is capable of doing that. It’s not your problem anymore. If you want to be a bleeding heart but still don’t want to be a doormat, send her a text before you cut off the phone that basically says “Unless he beats you, don’t come back”.
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun. I often take the stance against the letter writer since usually they are complaining about someone who can't defend themselves.