Dear Abby suggested plastic surgery. Fuck that, Abby.
DEAR CRABBY: I was born with a very weak heart. At the age of 23, I went into heart failure and needed surgery. It has been two years since my open heart procedure, and it has changed my life for the best.
As a young, semi-attractive male, I feel insecure about my scar. I went to the beach with friends, and so many people looked at my scar I got uncomfortable and put my shirt back on for the rest of the time. I haven't gone back to the beach since. And in situations where guys go shirtless, I wear mine even over the protests of my friends.
I can't get over the scar. I feel like I'm disfigured. Any advice on how I can deal with this huge change? -- SELF-CONSCIOUS IN GEORGIA
Dear Self Conscious,
You have a wicked scar that literally represents "life". All those posers that have tattoos with "meaning" are pathetic compared to you. If anything, you should get a tattoo of an arrow pointing to the scar with the words "Not just a survivor: a conqueror", or "Untamed Heart". Nah, that last one is a little too Christian Slater.
People are going to stare. Give them a reason to be in awe, too. Next time you're out and the opportunity to show off that scar presents itself, take it. When people stare, draw further attention to yourself. Tell them while pointing at it, "Heart surgery. Cheated death." This could even be used as a pick up line. After all, chicks dig scars.
Sorry, I shouldn't refer to broads as "chicks". Babes hate that.
Bonus picture! This one is from Diego32tiger on Deviant art. I used this without his permission. Then again, I'm pretty sure he didn't get Disney or Warner Brothers permission....
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.