Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles*
(Basically just go and see this movie.)
The premise of the turtles shouldn't be really new to anyone. They've been around for 20 years and if you really want you can Wikipedia them.
I'll try to keep this spoiler free, while allaying certain fears. My fears were: Splinter was going to be Aprils father, Shredder was going to just be a cyborg businessman transformer, they would keep the alien idea.
None of my fears happened.
This is an origin story. It's not a sequel, but it borrows little tidbits from the various franchises completing in a great homage and independent film. One of my favorite moments was a reference to the notorious "Christmas Album".
This is not art. This is a very silly subject that has some real teeth to it.
Like almost any film Michael Bay is connected to, there are plot-holes, which didn't even take me out of the movie. I was fine with it. After all, if I can accept six foot talking turtles that are going through puberty and can perform martial arts better than most practitioners, then I can accept that Shredder can fight all four turtles and leave AFTER his disciple takes off in a helicopter, and arrive at the mutually agreed upon location BEFORE the disciple.
I will buy the giant super slide from the always winter mountain that leads to New York.
I will buy that Sacks (the villainous Businessman played by William Fichtner) has companies that are the most advanced security firms in the world but will allow a Channel 6 news-van to simply ram through it.
I will buy that Sacks is a trained ninja but can't aim a gun to kill April or Verne.
I accepted all of those and more. Why? Because with all its dross it is just fun. It's fun to see Splinter teach his "sons" how to be men. It's fun to see April (played very well by Megan Fox, considering the dribble lines she was given she actually conveyed believability) explain a scene the audience just watched and being treated as ridiculously as the subject actually is**.
The core elements of the characters are there: Serious Leo, Goofy Mikey, Hard Shell Raph, Nerdy Donny. The added touches that fleshed out these cartoon reptiles and their rodent dad were how they treated each other. Splinter is a genuinely caring father (who kicks major ass), the turtles are sons and brothers in the truest sense, and who express that perfectly. Aprils curiosity has profoundly affected Splinter and the turtles and her own life, and her story elements bring a kind of humanity to the film.
The movie does not stray far from the lore. We have the mutagen (of dubious origin. Seeds for sequels, I'm sure). We have Splinter learning ninjitsu and then teaching the turtles. We have a Japanese Shredder and a Foot Clan. April wears yellow. It takes from the original black and white comics and the campy cartoon series in equal measure.
The only thing I will say about the violence is this: the bad guys use guns (mostly darts until the end), and Leo has katanas that mostly kill off screen. The language is minimal. I would take my four year old to this and we will buy it when it comes out.
The only other plot-hole I had issue with was with was Raphael. Raph uses the sai, a weapon whose main intention is to break swords and long bladed weapons. He alone should have had a major edge against Shredder.
(Raph is and will always be my favorite character of the four. His is the most complex character with the potential to be the greatest leader if only he could control his temper.)
This is a popcorn movie, and it is something I will recommend to people who just like movies. There are some really funny parts, some very emotional scenes, and some great moments in between the action. Splinters fight with Shredder is burned into my brain.
I give it four out of five "Go Ninja Go Ninja Go."
*I won't go into who's in it or who directed it. You can look that up. Really, who cares who stars in the movie? They are pretending to be someone else. Tony Shalhoub isn't a rat, he's pretending to be one. If you want to watch Tony the person, go see interviews with him. If you want to see Splinter, see this movie.
** Check out Don Glover's Weirdo to tell you how insane the idea of Ninja Turtles really is.
Pot and the Theater Etiquette
(I didn't bother cleaning this up, I just ranted. I'm sure I missed something, but I'm too worked up to do anything about it)
People who toke up or get drunk before going to a movie should be shot. Why?
Oh. Let me tell you.
See here potheads: If you are a loud obnoxious person when you are high, all you are doing is giving other people a great reason NOT to legalize pot. So in that I can thank you.
I had to sit through some toked up ginger moron yell every obnoxious thing he thought was clever (and WHY THE SECURITY GUY LET HIM IN AFTER ALREADY WARNING HIM IS BEYOND ME!). He assured me he would be quiet when the movie started.
He was not.
Five feet from him was an excited 10 year old up at midnight to see TMNT with his dad.
You fucked that up for him, you inbred dick fart!
I had to tell this idiot multiple times to shut up, using comments like "I know people with down syndrome that understand keeping quiet in a movie. Are you telling me you're too fucking stupid to get that?"
Apparently he had done this before, because he knew to get up and move to a different seat so security couldn't haul him out.
While his buddies chinless girlfriend went to go get something, he sat and called her names while his buddy agreed with him. Real classy people, believe me.
Then the stupid stupids with fuck all genetic variance tried to get morally superior about us complaining to security. "It's just a movie!" Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't know that gave you the right to be an asshole. I paid to watch a movie, not hear audio commentary like "IS THAT WHOOPIE GOLDBURG!" or "THERE"S 37 DIFFERENT KINDS OF LEMURS". This one was classically repeated when Will Arnet was onscreen "HEY! IT'S WILL.I.AM. YEAH. WILL....I....AAAAMMM! BOOOOOM!"
At the end of the movie my wife lost a fingernail holding me back from pounding these idiots. I am not joking.
Sure, it may just be a movie. It could have been any movie. There are a few socially accepted rules that these mayonaise jar lobotomy patients never seemed to learn: be considerate of others.
Self entitled emperor shitwad ass-wipes.
I will have to break this review into two columns. Why? Because some moron almost ruined my movie going experience. Movie review on the left, rant about theater etiquette on the right.
Why "Failed Daily"?
Because I fail to update daily.