a Machine Of Words
  • The Mind Cannibalism
  • Thought For Food
  • Who is Judas X. Machina?
  • Mental Sewage
  • Experimental
  • The basics of Finding Fault
    • Failed Daily
  • Dear Jerkass

HOW TO MAKE MONEY!

3/19/2017

0 Comments

 
Picture
5 Ways How to Make Monkey!!
(This really works!)

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."
– Henry Ford

1. Become your own breeder
Not every species of monkey can be bred in captivity.  Yet monkeys have been bred in captivity for hundreds of years, initially for circus’s and street performers.  The most common monkeys used for breeding are Rhesus and the macaque, and they’re already kind of horny.  Just procure some monkeys, let them have a few sips of rum (especially if they are ugly), and just wait a few months.

2. De evolve a human
Some people say (mainly hoity-toity Biologists) think this term is meaningless.  We know better.
This one is more time consuming, and requires a bit of socialization to accomplish, but once you do you’ll find it very rewarding. 
First find eight ugly people (four of each gender), the hairier the better, and get them drunk.  Nine months later there should be some offspring as ugly as sin. Hopefully those offspring will be opposite genders, or one male to three females.  Don’t forget to be really good friends with these people, because that’ll be necessary for the next steps.
Wait about 18 years, then get your friends kids drunk (see, you have to be involved in their lives for them to trust you), then wait another 9 months.  These children should be REALLY ugly, and might pass for monkeys.  Most young people don’t want the hassle of kids, so tell them you’ll adopt them.
If the offspring are not “monkey” enough, raise the uggo’s until they are 18, and try again.
Inbreeding might help.

3. Frankenstein dead monkeys from the zoo
This one is a little tricky, because it requires a few different fields of understanding and skill: sewing, taxidermy, biology, electrical engineering are just a few.  Get skilled at sewing first, that’s important.
Get a job at the local zoo. Some zoos perform a necropsy, confirm the cause of death, collect any tissue samples that they want to preserve, and the remainder is incinerated. Any of these steps can help you in procuring fresh (and you NEED FRESH) body parts.
In case you're wondering how to manage getting dead monkeys, it depends on the situation - large animals are either crated and transported in a crate and then incinerated in a large pit at the cremation facility, or they are cut into pieces and transported in large barrels.
Take the parts home, and a night with the sewing machine and a lightning rod and BOOM!  You made monkey.
It might just be easier to steal the monkey from the zoo, but you want to MAKE a monkey.  Anyone can steal one.

4. Use fabric and a pattern
This one is for the squeamish.  Just google a sewing pattern and get some supplies from the local sewing store.  You’ll still make monkey, but it won’t move or anything.


5. Build a mechanical knock off
If you don’t want to spend all your time at the Hobby Shop or Circuit City buying parts and learning how to make robot arms for your Mechanical Monkey, just head to the local toy store and buy one.  Use the steps from #4 on the list, but instead of stuffing your fabric monkey with cotton, use it to cover over your toy robot.  You won’t have the fun of programming your robot monkey to throw its own “soft serve”, but it will do in a pinch.
If you’re really committed to building from scratch, watch a tonne of youtube videos on how to build robots, and buy some fake poop for your Mechanical Monkey to throw.



Alternatives to making monkey:
Steal one from the zoo
hang out with rich people


ENJOY!

Don't Touch My Monkey
Picture
0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    My title page contents
    MY YOUTUBE!
    Tweets by @JudasXMachina

    Why "Failed Daily"?

    Because I fail to update daily.
    I come up with a lot of weird stuff.  Isn't "weird" spelled weird?

    Archives

    March 2022
    February 2022
    September 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    September 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    April 2019
    September 2018
    August 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    September 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    March 2015
    January 2015
    October 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    March 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    October 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011

    Categories

    All
    Action
    Adventure
    Art
    Avengers
    Christmas
    Contemporary
    Drug Trade
    Ebook
    Fingerprint Hack
    Hack Reward
    Human Torch
    Iphone 6
    Iphone Scanner
    Kardashian
    Legalize
    Love
    Marijuana
    Mass Death Sentence
    Megan Fox
    Men In Black
    Michael B. Jordon
    Modern Art
    Murder
    People
    Review
    True Monsters
    Twilight
    Utilitarian Bioethics

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • The Mind Cannibalism
  • Thought For Food
  • Who is Judas X. Machina?
  • Mental Sewage
  • Experimental
  • The basics of Finding Fault
    • Failed Daily
  • Dear Jerkass