(This really works!)
"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."
– Henry Ford
1. Become your own breeder
Not every species of monkey can be bred in captivity. Yet monkeys have been bred in captivity for hundreds of years, initially for circus’s and street performers. The most common monkeys used for breeding are Rhesus and the macaque, and they’re already kind of horny. Just procure some monkeys, let them have a few sips of rum (especially if they are ugly), and just wait a few months.
2. De evolve a human
Some people say (mainly hoity-toity Biologists) think this term is meaningless. We know better.
This one is more time consuming, and requires a bit of socialization to accomplish, but once you do you’ll find it very rewarding.
First find eight ugly people (four of each gender), the hairier the better, and get them drunk. Nine months later there should be some offspring as ugly as sin. Hopefully those offspring will be opposite genders, or one male to three females. Don’t forget to be really good friends with these people, because that’ll be necessary for the next steps.
Wait about 18 years, then get your friends kids drunk (see, you have to be involved in their lives for them to trust you), then wait another 9 months. These children should be REALLY ugly, and might pass for monkeys. Most young people don’t want the hassle of kids, so tell them you’ll adopt them.
If the offspring are not “monkey” enough, raise the uggo’s until they are 18, and try again.
Inbreeding might help.
3. Frankenstein dead monkeys from the zoo
This one is a little tricky, because it requires a few different fields of understanding and skill: sewing, taxidermy, biology, electrical engineering are just a few. Get skilled at sewing first, that’s important.
Get a job at the local zoo. Some zoos perform a necropsy, confirm the cause of death, collect any tissue samples that they want to preserve, and the remainder is incinerated. Any of these steps can help you in procuring fresh (and you NEED FRESH) body parts.
In case you're wondering how to manage getting dead monkeys, it depends on the situation - large animals are either crated and transported in a crate and then incinerated in a large pit at the cremation facility, or they are cut into pieces and transported in large barrels.
Take the parts home, and a night with the sewing machine and a lightning rod and BOOM! You made monkey.
It might just be easier to steal the monkey from the zoo, but you want to MAKE a monkey. Anyone can steal one.
4. Use fabric and a pattern
This one is for the squeamish. Just google a sewing pattern and get some supplies from the local sewing store. You’ll still make monkey, but it won’t move or anything.
5. Build a mechanical knock off
If you don’t want to spend all your time at the Hobby Shop or Circuit City buying parts and learning how to make robot arms for your Mechanical Monkey, just head to the local toy store and buy one. Use the steps from #4 on the list, but instead of stuffing your fabric monkey with cotton, use it to cover over your toy robot. You won’t have the fun of programming your robot monkey to throw its own “soft serve”, but it will do in a pinch.
If you’re really committed to building from scratch, watch a tonne of youtube videos on how to build robots, and buy some fake poop for your Mechanical Monkey to throw.
Alternatives to making monkey:
Steal one from the zoo
hang out with rich people