Here's the original.
DEAR JERKASS: I became a widower two years ago and only recently started dating. Although I am in my early 70s, I'm in great physical shape and have all my hair. I am also financially well off and I think I'm reasonably good looking. My concern is, how do I avoid becoming a trophy husband? -- POTENTIAL PRIZE IN FLORIDA
Planning on getting married already? Simple solution: don't get married and spread some wild oats around (provided you are fixed. You don't need any fuck trophies). Then get a venereal disease and die and leave all your wealth to a charitable organization, so that it will accomplish more than you ever did.
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.