Unmitigated B.S.

Dear Abby's responses can be read here: mundane

DEAR CRABBY: I have been in a long-distance relationship with "Victor" for several years. Recently I began to suspect he was cheating. What raised my suspicion was that I suddenly couldn't reach him on the weekends. Usually we would Skype -- Sunday night for me, Monday morning for him.

Last February when I visited him, I snooped in his phone -- spare me the condemnation. I found an email he had written to an old girlfriend in which he suggested they plan their "next" rendezvous.

I plan on dumping him, but I don't know how to go about it. I've always been bad at dumping people. Should I write him a letter and confess that I snooped? My first inclination is to disconnect completely and say nothing.

I'm afraid to confront him because he is obviously a good liar. I'm afraid if I do, he'll make me doubt the evidence ... trust me, he's that good! -- CHEATED ON IN L.A.

Dear Cheated On,
Why is it so hart to dump him, huh? Unless you are the kind of slimy person who feels they deserve to be with someone they can't trust. In a way it's a form of security: you don't trust him, and that justifies snooping on him and catching him, proving you were right all along to not trust. Why not marry him, that way you'll definately always be right AND a martyr.
Change your phone number, block him on facebook and all other social media, and call him from a random phone to tell him that you are done. It's not that hard, is it? If you're still planning on seeing him after reading this, just try to think of all the veneareal diseases festering in his cheating mouth.

Also, go to therepy and work on your self confidence.




DEAR CRABBY: I don't know if you have addressed the issue of women and breast augmentation from the standpoint of noticing the work done, but I am trying to find a way to say "I noticed" without being crude or tacky.

My wife works with a woman who recently had augmentation surgery, and we agree that the doctor did a very nice job. According to my wife, the woman is not shy about discussing her surgery. I have known her for years, and we're on friendly terms. We talk often and exchange hugs.

How would I go about complimenting her on her new look? I don't want to say the wrong thing. Or should I just say nothing? -- ENJOYS THE VIEW IN PHOENIX


DEAR ENJOYS THE VIEW,
If your wife is so comfortable with you checking this woman out, then get your wife to comliment her while you're around. If Hooty McBoob looks to you while your wife is complimenting her, sound in. Then buy a really nice couch to sleep on.
Save compliments for your wife, and tell her how beautiful she is. You'll find it makes things better than telling a mutual friend that you think she's attractive.
Moron.


DEAR CRABBY: Every time I talk to anyone, my husband says I give too many details. While I understand that men are different from women, he often bugs me when I talk to female friends or my mother-in-law. I don't know what to do, because we women love to talk and share details. Please reassure me that I'm not an oddity. -- TALKIN' UP A STORM


DEAR TALKIN' UP A STORM

Maybe instead of talking to your friends and mother-in-law, you should talk to your husband about boundaries -yours and his. Clearly you are making him uncomfortable, and he is retaliating by “bugging” you. This is actually a problem of trust you both seem to be having. He can't trust you to respect his boundaries, so he can't trust you to be left alone.
Maybe the next time you start sharing details with a friend, take one step outside your own amusement and think “Would I want someone I don't really know talking about my personal life?”
Sure, to you it's cute the way he only has one testicle. Is that really something you should share with your friends?