Here's where I got it.
DEAR JERKASS: I fell in love with a boy when I was 12, deeply in love. We met at our county fair. We grew up together and have remained friends for 30 years. He married and had children, as did I. I am now divorced, but he's still married.
Recently our friendship has grown into something more. He wants our relationship to continue, but he's afraid to leave his wife because of the kids. They have been together for 20 years.
What do I do? He's the love of my life. Any time I have with him is better than none. It's not that I don't know I deserve better, but he is unhappy, and I am miserable without him. What do I do? -- PRISONER OF PASSION
DEAR SLAVE TO YOUR JUNK,
You stay out of his life, you homewrecker. He's not getting off easy either (okay, there should be a pun there, but fuck off, this is serious shit). Trust me, you are not miserable. Know who's miserable? People starving in the streets. So keep your romantic B.S. in check.
You should keep it in your pants. If you really love him, and this love has survived 30 years, a few more won't hurt it, AND loving someone doesn't mean they make you feel good. It's putting their best interests before yours. And his best interest right now is examining if he actually loves his wife, not you.
And this jackass should be working on his marriage, not checking around for a "better deal". If he isn't happy the person he should be talking to is his wife. Not you.
Here's a message to all the cheaters out there: If you don't love your wife be a man and own up to it. Don't cheat on her and ruin both your lives you fucking nitwit. Wait until the paperwork is finalized, wait a few months, THEN start looking at other relationships. Take a relationship course first, because obviously you failed at the last one.
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.