Sex Ed Should Come With Free Sterilization

Abby was trying to sell one of her books again, under the rubric of actually helping someone.

DEAR JERKASS,
Help! My daughter just turned 13, and I need to discuss the facts of life with her. I don't know where to start. My mom told me absolutely nothing, and I know my daughter needs to be educated in a simple but very understandable way -- especially in these times. Do you still have your booklet that gives teens answers to questions on sex? I need ideas on how to approach this. -- NERVOUS MOM IN ILLINOIS



DEAR BUTTPLUG,
There are so many sources better and less expensive than writing a Dear Abby.  The wesbsites alone for teaching your child about sex are too numerous to put here.  Thanks Abby, for trying to make a buck off of someone asking for help.
However, with the rate of idiots in the world (and the proliferation of underage drinking) I recommend telling your daughter that tampons soaked in vodka gets you really drunk.  That way, if she does it she'll fry her ovaries and you'll never have to worry about having stupid grandchildren. BUT if she is intelligent she will NOT do that and when/if she does decide to have children, the gene pool will not be polluted.
Also, youll be able to tel if she's drinking underage.
Seriously, though.  Do some research, ask a family doctor and just ovary up and tell her that she doesn't HAVE to have sex and that it isn't the end all-be-all of human existence, that any boy that really loves her (or girl) won't pressure to have sex (and that hetero sex leads to babies), and that if she does have sex to try to find out the sexual history of her partner, use a condom even though they aren't %100, and double it with a contraceptive.