Here's the original.
DEAR JERKASS: I met a guy online. We have been dating for some time now. We have a wonderful connection and have our dates on Skype. The problem is, we have never met in person.
Every time we plan on meeting, he shuts up for a time, isn't reachable, then suddenly reappears and makes excuses, asking me to forgive him and plan another meeting. Should I still believe this will happen anytime soon? -- LEFT HANGING IN NAIROBI
He probably finds you disgusting, but he's confined to a wheelchair and his dick doesn't work, so you aren't missing out on much.
Turn off your computer, go outside, and interact with actual people, not just the digital representations.
I know, I met my wife online. But at least we met in person.
Long distance relationships only work when you have met in person in the first place.
So toss that cripple to the curb and hit the bookstores (clubbing for a man is soooooo 2000's).
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.