Someday your Prince Will Come
Here's the origin.
DEAR JERKASS, I have been dating "Hank" for five years. He has always been a loner. He has never been married and has no kids. We lived together for four years and our relationship is wonderful other than his "just being him." He's kind of self-centered and not very communicative.
Hank just learned that his mother is terminally ill. He came home from work, told me to pack and move out, gave me five minutes of his time and then left! I packed some clothes and went.
I'm not sure if I should stay away or try to get him to talk this through with me. This is tearing me apart. I know he loves me, but I'm afraid that with what's going on with his mom, he's shutting me out because he can't handle it. I'm the closest person to him, but he is pushing me away. Please give me some advice. -- FEELING VERY ALONE IN MAINE
Wow. You are dumb. Some guy took advantage of you for five years and you didn't even see it coming. And now you miss him?
Okay, you need to go see a therapist or counselor and find out why you think you are a piece of crap door mat who needs emotionally unavailable men, before you end up sleeping permanently with Prince Valium.
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Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.