Here's the corpse.
DEAR JERKASS: My second wife died last year after 39 years of marriage. She had a beautiful, unique sense of humor. Three weeks after her funeral, I was walking our dog on the day that would have been our anniversary. As I bent down to pick up the poop, I spotted a quarter on the ground. It was so tarnished with age I couldn't make out the date. But I remembered your "pennies from heaven" letters, so I picked it up.
I hurried home to clean it to see if it was from the year we were married. I was amazed when I discovered it WAS from the year I was married -- but to my first wife. Like I said, my late wife had a unique sense of humor ... SMILING IN NEW JERSEY
I'm sorry, what was the question? Why are you still alone? Probably because you do stupid shit like find meaning in a quarter while picking up crap.
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.