Dear Jerkass took a bit of a falter, and for that I apologize. While I may be a "machine of words", that does not mean I have the time to physically write. Life gets in the way, and if I were more capable I would just record snippets and dictate them to myself later.
Here's a little treat for waiting so patiently.
DEAR JERKASS: I am a retired widow, crippled with rheumatoid arthritis. Every October, I start dreading Halloween, which I consider to be a legal form of extortion.
Living on Social Security, I really don't want to waste money for candy. Also, it is difficult for me to get up and down every five minutes to hand out candy. Too many of the "children" are 16- to 19-year-old males.
I have tried keeping the lights off and "hiding" in my bedroom, but I wake the next morning to find toilet paper in my trees and shrubbery. Once, my front door had been sprayed "Stingy Old Witch." The police said they couldn't act because I didn't see who did it. Of course, even if I had seen them, they probably would have been in a costume. Do you have any suggestions? -- GROUCHY GRANDMA IN AUSTIN, TEXAS
Dear Stingy Jaquelin,
You seem to be good at escaping the social contract. Bully for you! You benefit from the taxes of society, but refuse to engage in its culture, customs, and traditions.
Keep up that ageism and sexism, too. Stupid privileged white males expecting something for nothing! Why, in your day those 16- to 19-year-old males would have been asking you out instead of TPing your house. How dare they be young when you are old and unattractive. Forget the fact that if you were their age you would either be in the back of a car with one of them, or calling names to the "stingy old witch" who was hiding in her own house, promising you would never be like that.
Since you seem to loath the repercussions of not participating, yet have the energy to avoid Halloween, perhaps you could do a stingy form of participation? It's Trick-Or-Treat season; you could offer to trick the kids. Put on your moldy wedding dress, sit on the porch completely still, and scare anyone knocking on your door. Then explain that it's "TRICK or treat", and they were tricked. This way you can keep an eye on anyone trying to egg your house, and participate at the same time.
Then roll over and DIE you old has been! There is no place for your dying parasite/hypocrite ass who contributes nothing and complains. You want to complain about a "legal form of extortion"? What about an obligation like paying for social security to a person they care nothing for?
I can't for the life of me think of why I or anyone else should pay for your social security. Flash of brilliance: There exists a mythical contract that no one has ever seen or signed, and its terms include exactly the moral stipulation that you're looking to prove.
You want to reap the benefit of this social contract, that states the elderly should be taken care of, but do not want to participate in the less "legal" forms of this contract, such as being a member of the community.
Why should anyone avoid TPing your house?
I'm not a fan of the "social contract theory", but I am even less a fan of someone who reaps its benefit, then complains about the people who pay taxes (the 16-19yo with a job having fun on one night of the year where others do the same), and the person who will someday take up that burden you have placed upon them (the 16-19yo that might not have a job YET).
Those young males you despise will be the ones who will work to pay for you to live. They will take out your garbage, sweep your streets, perform life saving operations on you, guard you while you sleep.
Enjoy those thoughts while you cower in your room. Reap that fear you have sown for yourself.
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Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.