Everyone knows the concept of the advice column. I'm just clinging to Abby's coattails and trying to get attention. Also, I hate some of the advice that's given, and sometimes I get into really long and involved trolling arguments. So I've decided to put that energy here, instead.
First up (and by no means the best) is taken from April 13th, 2014 edition of Dear Abby.
I'll post the letters and my response, not Abby's (Abigail Van Buren).
Here we go!
DEAR ABBY: I'm in a tricky situation. My boyfriend of four years, "Ian," and I took a break from our relationship for two months because he was scared he'd miss out on the single life. We started hanging out again soon after, and everything fell into place.
We were talking recently, and he mentioned that he's planning to move across the country to San Francisco to be near his family. He made it plain he wants to live on the West Coast "forever." I am close to my family -- closer than Ian is to his.
We're both 24, and while we're not going to get engaged anytime soon, I'm not sure what to do. We love each other, but the geography is causing so many issues. Please advise. -- NEW YORK GIRL
Dear NEW YORK GIRL,
Break up. I know that's hard, and that television and movies have told you that love conquers all, but lets be realistic. Distance is like wind to a fire. If your love is the flame of a candle the wind of distance will blow it out. If your love is a campfire (which it apparently isn't because lets be honest, he dumped you to get laid/be independent), it will make the love stronger.
Only one of you seems to be in this relationship, and he's with you because it makes him feel good at the moment. You're 24 and this is not the end of your life, it's the beginning. The tricky thing about "true love" is that if it's meant to be it won't matter if there are 2 miles, or 2,000 miles between you. More important than true love is to "love true". If he truly loved you, you would be part of his plans.
DEAR ABBY: This "issue" with my wife may seem trivial, but it's making me crazy. I like to cook; she doesn't. When I cook it's an expression of love, and our family sits down together to enjoy the meal. We don't watch TV and we don't answer the phone. Sounds ideal, wouldn't you say?
The problem is, after I put the food on the table, my wife gets up and starts pulling other food from the fridge to microwave. Or she'll start making a salad.
These last-minute additions make me furious. She knows it, but won't stop. Either she "doesn't want the leftover to go bad" or she thinks something is "missing" from the table.
I say she should prepare these additions while I'm making dinner so everything will be on the table at the same time, or else forget it. What do you think? -- STEAMING IN THE KITCHEN IN TEXAS
Wow. Lame. If she really cared about what she eats, and you like to cook, why don't either of you talk beforehand about what she wants? There seems to be a greater issue here.
The point is if she doesn't like what you cook, then she could ask or be polite about making something else. She's being rude and disrespecting of your feelings. By saying things like "There's something missing from the table" she's basically insinuating that you are incompetent, and this stems from her own feelings of inadequacy . It's passive-aggressive B.S. Just because it worked for Gandhi doesn't mean it works in a marriage.
If addressed she might turn it around so that its about you not respecting her feelings, or saying that "If you really cared you would make me something I like." I would be tempted to be passive-aggressive as well, and make food for everyone except her.
But that isn't love. You said your cooking is an expression of love. I get that, I really do. If you love someone, and want to do something for them, wouldn't you do something they like? You don't make a pecan pie for someone who's allergic to nuts.
Sit down and talk to your wife. Communication seems to be missing from the table. Genuinely ask her if she feels loved. Just by asking you'll probably get a full and clear answer about what needs to be done. Just make her favorite meal first. With a salad.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter goes to a preschool in a church where we are not members. Pastor "Joe" is very involved with the classes, often chatting with the parents and calling them by their first names.
I have seen him around town various times, but I'm never sure how to address him. I feel strange calling him "Pastor" since he isn't my minister. On the other hand, calling him "Joe" doesn't quite seem right either.
How should a man of the cloth be greeted on the street? -- FEELING AWKWARD IN JAMESTOWN, N.Y.
Have you thought about calling him "Mr."? Or asking what he likes to be called? Who cares if he's a minister? I'm sure Emily Posts guide to etiquette would tell you to call him "mister" first and allow him to correct you. You said it: he's not your pastor. I've come across doctors that tried to correct me when I called them "mister".
"It's Doctor Bojangles."
"You're not my doctor, Mr. Bojangles."
Some might find that disrespectful. I don't care about respect so much as I care about manners. Respect is much deeper. To respect someone is to have confidence in them and to acknowledge them as a person. Saying "I respect you." means you think they are a good person with something good inside of them. Manners is holding a door open or saying please.
So here's your options: If you respect him, ask him what he likes to be called. If he's just some guy, call him Mr. Or call him Mr. on the street and Pastor in the preschool.
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.