Abby can suck it.
DEAR JERKASS: Lately I have been having problems with my live-in boyfriend, "Ethan." We fight about everything, and he refuses to admit when he's wrong. Ethan has been sleeping on the couch for a week waiting for me to take the first step and reconcile.
He isn't working and I am, and that is probably what has him so mad. I pay all the bills, and he thinks I feel superior because I'm bringing in money and he's not.
We argue day and night, swear and scream at each other, and he does not appreciate everything I'm doing so we can survive. I have two daughters, he has one, and I'm supporting all of us.
Do you think it's a good idea for us to have a baby? Ethan is desperate for a child with me -- even though we can't get along or communicate. -- MARY JANE IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR POT HEAD,
Are you fucking high? Another kid will not make everything better. The kids you have now are not making anything better. Just because you don't have a baby that shares your retarded DNA (no offense to those with Down Syndrome. People with DS are not retards. Retards are fucking idiots like this), does not mean that having a shared kid is going to make all the problems go away.
The other day I was at that mecca of redneckery called Wal Mart. I saw two guys with down syndrome get into a car that was perfectly parked, and drive away. That's right, the DS guys could drive. Then I saw a perfectly fine older woman double parked sideways in a handi stall take five minutes to pull out of her space.
Those DS guys are clearly smarter than you!
I suggest you stop taking the pill and put your ovaries next to the oldest microwave you can find. Then kick that freeloading POS off your couch.
There. I just helped you lose over 150 pounds. You look better already. Now take some night courses and get a better paying job, so you can take a real vacation and meet a guy who can take care of not only himself, but those he professes to care about.
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Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.