Here's the original.
DEAR JERKASS: I'm turning 75 soon, and enjoying retirement, good health and a comfortable lifestyle, which is why I have arranged a "Celebration of My Life -- So Far." I'm excited about it and eagerly anticipating more than 60 guests for cocktails and a sit-down dinner at a nearby hotel.
It's not uncommon these days for a celebration of life to be held after someone dies. However, I prefer to have mine BEFORE I leave this Earth so I can celebrate along with my loved ones. I want to be there, especially since I'm the one who's paying for it!
What do you think of my idea? Would you enjoy partaking in such a special event? -- THINKING AHEAD IN NEW JERSEY
It's fine that you want to see people before you kick off. But the purpose of a funeral is not really about you, it's about the people you leave behind, and consoling each other regarding your loss. Throwing a party might make you feel good, but it might not make others feel good. Now, they will have to say goodbye to you twice. Because you are still going to die after you celebrate your life.
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Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.