DEAR JERKASS: I have an issue with my father and don't know where to turn. Dad is in his early 80s and -- aside from poor eyesight -- he's in good health. I'm concerned because he has developed an unusual habit. He likes to look through the dumpsters behind the grocery store.
Initially he told me it was to get old produce for compost in his garden. But I have learned that he eats some of the things he finds. I have tried telling him this is dangerous. He could cut himself digging through the trash or get food poisoning. He refuses to listen and insists that what he is doing is safe. (He is not forced to do this out of economic necessity. He has enough money to buy groceries.)
The situation has become critical because he is now planning to cook something he found in the dumpster for a family gathering. I told him not to do it. If he does prepare food from the trash, I told him he must let people know where it came from, so they can make an informed decision about whether to eat it. Jerkass, please help. -- GROSSED OUT
DEAR DADDY ISSUES: Your dad is near the end of his life. Eating something that will make him sick is the least of his worries. His heart will fail, his colon will blow, his liver will give out, and he will become food for worms. His eyes might still be good, but soon they won't be.
I think it's kind of funny that he's going to try to feed your family garbage. Think about that for a moment. He wants to feed his loved ones....garbage. Sounds like he doesn't really care what you think.
Go ahead and tell your family that he's doing this. You're under the impression that he hasn't done this already, so I don't think you'll "spoil" his fun any.
Do you really need to talk to an advice columnist about this? You complain about your father dumpster diving and I have to read your drivel. Guess which I think is worse?
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.