Dear Jerkass (Dead Dog)
DEAR JERKASS: My ex-boyfriend and I broke up two years ago. We were together for nearly three years. A year into our relationship, we rescued a puppy. We broke up when she was 2. Since then, we have shared her on and off. This arrangement worked fine because we have both been single.
I am now in a new relationship and feel that my ex and I should cut ties. We recently had a falling out, but he still wants to share the dog "until she is no longer in the picture."
Jerkass, I don't feel that it's feasible for us to continue sharing our dog for the next 12 to 15 years. My ex has post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and I know she helps him. However, I feel like I can provide a better home for her and give her more attention. How do we decide who gets to keep the dog? -- STILL IN THE PICTURE
DEAR NUT JOB: Have the dog put down, stuffed, cut it in half, and then you can both have it. Or you can just suck it up and let him have it. It's a dog. They're glorified hamsters. Besides, as soon as you get bored of this new guy you'll dump THAT pet on him and then in a bid at emotional dominance and a way to keep emotional ties you’ll “share” the pet until you can find a BBD*. You admitted as much sinceyou only cared about the animal and your ex while you were still single.
So save all those animals and future ex boyfriends the aggravation and don't get another pet. Go to the local SPCA and get a job putting down all the abandoned animals, instead. Might as well cut out the middlemen and go right to killing things.
*Bigger, better deal.
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Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.