DEAR JERKASS: I’ve recently started seeing someone, and we have shared a wealth of information about ourselves with each other. When I asked him his last name, he said it was “Erickson.” When I asked him if he had a middle name, he responded that he didn’t.
Soon after, I saw his driver’s license. It had a completely different last name from the one he gave me, and it turns out he does have a middle name after all.
Now I’m starting to question everything he told me, and I’m afraid he may have lied about even bigger things. What reason would he possibly have to lie about such a simple thing? And how should I confront him about it? — JUST PLAIN CONFUSED IN GEORGIA
DEAR RUSSIAN COLLUDER: The reason someone would give false information is usually because the person..IS A SPY!
No, but seriously. Two things: How did you just happen to see his license, if he's so tricky as to give you a fake last name? And second, if you're so sneaky why didn't you just Google his ass like everyone does instead of writing an advice column?
Look, I know you millenials are desperate and in need of human contact, but that shouldn't obscure some pretty basic shit; honesty is important in a relationship.
BUT, humans are basically lie machines and they have egos that want to cover up anything that makes them look bad.
So instead of asking around for "what you should do", you should probably just, oh, I don't know, ASK HIM! Maybe he's ashamed of his name or is trying to distance himself from his family. Maybe he's worried that you might turn into a psycho stalker who goes through his wallet like the last girl, because he's attracted to crazy people.
But at the end of it all....you shouldn't be asking an advice columnist anything.
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Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.