Today I will post Dear Abby's letter and response in its entirety, so that you may all bask in the glory of her wisdom.
Dear Abby get's thousands of letters every day. I can only imagine what some of them contain: suicide notes, love letters, harassment, troubled teens, irate seniors, attention seekers, etc. Genuine lost people looking for help (in what may be the slowest way possible).
So what does the Queen of Advice print up?
Here's the little gem for today:
DEAR ABBY: I love cooking for my wife and friends. There are few things I find more pleasing than to put out a nice spread of food and watch people enjoy. I'm always on the lookout for more cookbooks, and you hold the key to my next big party.
I was reading through your archives and have seen many people asking about your cookbooklets. I'd love to get them. Can you print the ordering information again, so I can be sure I'm sending the right amount to the right place? Thanks! -- MAN IN THE KITCHEN IN NORTH LITTLE ROCK
DEAR MAN IN THE KITCHEN: I'm glad to oblige. I have been a compulsive cookbook collector for many years, so I can relate. (I'm sure you will be pleased when you see that my cookbooklets, while wide-ranging in content, take up little space on your bookshelf.)
Your idea of throwing a "Dear Abby Dinner Party" is a good one, and I have been told the recipes provide a fun, traditional eating adventure. All of them are simple, easy-to-read and delicious.
One reader described creating place cards for her guests decorated with hearts and flowers. The centerpiece was a "bouquet" of envelopes addressed to me. Another reader said she copied questions from my column, printed them out and, as a party game, asked her guests to supply the answers. (She said that after a few glasses of wine, some of the responses were hilarious, but couldn't be printed in a family newspaper.)
My cookbooklet set contains more than 100 tasty recipes, ranging from soups to salads, appetizers, main courses and desserts, that can be used when families get together to celebrate holidays and other special occasions. My mother used many of them when she hosted parties, as have I. To order, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $14 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby - Cookbooklet (XXXXXADDRESS WITHHELD SO THE IDIOT DOESN'T MAKE MONEY OFF MY SITEXXXXXX) Shipping and handling are included in the price. You will find tips on entertaining at the beginning of the first booklet. Anyone who hasn't entertained before should be sure to read them.
By following these suggestions, even the most nervous, first-time host can be confident. I know you will enjoy the recipes as much as we have and serve them with pride.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: It's not what you put on the table, but who you put in the chairs that makes a successful dinner party.
Dear Abby's Puppet,
Apparently yesterdays letter of authenticity was just prelude to Abby's self aggrandizement. There is no one in the world on the verge of suicide, or in a marital collapse, or in any other way in an emotional turmoil that only your advice can save.
In your effort to earn a little extra cash, did you advertise on your website? Take out an ad in one of the many newspapers that syndicate your column?
You publish a "letter" from a fan, and then hock your shitty pamphlets for $14.
But you don't stop there. You actually tell this "Man" how to throw a party all about you! Questions they can ask about you! Decorations involving you!
All hail and worship Dear Abby!
There's a time and place, Abby. Your time and place is supposed to be about helping people with common sense issues. If you want to make money on the side, create a different marketing venue. Don't go all desperate-lonely-loser-up-at-3am-infomercial and segue your waning public interest into a Tony Little last ditch effort into making a few bucks. Have some goddamn integrity!
I thought yesterdays letter was narcissistic garbage, but this really takes the cake.
P.S. Does your recipe book have a version of Margret Atwood's Edible Woman Cake?
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need help.
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.