Sometimes I won't even take my own advice.
DEAR JERKASS: A friend I have known for about 10 years messaged me again tonight saying she was going to commit suicide. I tried to get her to go to a hospital, but she refused. When I told her I was going to contact the police, she backed down a bit. This has become an almost-nightly occurrence.
She's going through a rough patch right now. She's breaking things off with her drug-addicted longtime partner. She is also underemployed, in danger of being evicted and has cancer.
It is tough on me to talk her down from the ledge every night. Many of her problems are of her own making, but she can't seem to see that. She can't afford therapy. I have taken her to Al-Anon, but she quit after a short time.
I don't know what to do. I hate to break it off with her because I'm afraid she will kill herself. I am the only friend she has left. How much longer do I hold on? -- SUCKED DRY IN KANSAS
Sounds like a real drain on society. Maybe you should tell her that the next time she calls. She hates her life, but she's never really done anything to make it better. Tell her that if she's going to kill herself, she should at least try doing something different first, like get cleaned up and find a hot guy. Try to get that job she's always wanted. Basically, do a bucket list.
While you are doing this, use the other line to call the cops and have her committed. That should buy you a few nights sleep at least.
Then change your number. Nobody needs a Negative Nancy in there lives, calling at all hours.
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun.