YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT!
Covid Socially Isolated husband and father Judas X. Machina got stir crazy, and decided to stir up some quick recipes that would allow him to record his late night bedtime stories for the viewing public.
The author and general layabout claimed laziness was his motivating factor.
"I generally don't want to do anything. So it was really important to me to find a good, easy meal that my family would eat and think I worked really hard on, while allowing me ample time to play Bejewelled Blitz while I'm supposed to be editing a new Storytime video.
So I used my wifes cast iron skillet that she's really protective of because I left it in the sink for a week while she was in the hospital having our fourth son." Judas then tried to change the subject.
"Yeah, I remember that." His wife told our correspondent. "Here I am pushing a human out of me and I come home to a rusty pan handed down by the family Matriarch Dita Von Harmel Van Bernalmeyer."
Judas then tried to sell us digital copies of his unread novels, while providing us with his recipes.
Bronx Gray, reporting.
Lemon Shrimp Risotto in One Pan
2 Tbsp butter
1 ½ lb(s) peeled and deveined shrimp
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 onion, finely diced
2 cups arborio rice
1 cup dry white wine
About 5 cups vegetable broth
½ tsp kosher salt
1 tsp freshly ground black pepper
1 lemon, zested and juiced, plus extra lemon zest, for garnish
2 Tbsp heavy cream
18 fresh basil leaves, chopped, plus extra for serving
Grated Parmesan, for sprinkling
DIRECTIONS1. Heat the butter in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the shrimp in a single layer and cook on both sides until opaque in the middle, about 3 minutes. Remove to a cutting board and cut in half. Set aside.
2. Return the skillet to the stovetop (do not wash it) and add the garlic and onion. Stir and cook until the onion starts to turn translucent, 2 to 3 minutes. Reduce the heat to medium low. Add the rice to the skillet and cook, stirring, for a couple of minutes, taking care not to burn it. Pour in the wine and stir. Once the wine is absorbed, begin adding the broth 1/2 to 1 cup at a time, allowing the rice to cook and absorb the liquid each time. Stir occasionally as you go and add the salt and pepper during one of the broth additions. After 4 cups of broth have been absorbed, taste the rice. It should have a slight bite, but if it seems undercooked, add additional broth for the rice to absorb and cook until the risotto is to your liking.
3. Add both the lemon zest and juice to the risotto towards the end of cooking. Stir in the heavy cream, shrimp and basil, then serve immediately with extra lemon zest and Parmesan cheese on top.
Cast Iron Pizza
1 lb(s) frozen store-bought pizza dough*, thawed and risen
¼ cup olive oil
½ cup store-bought pizza sauce
½ cup pepperoni
An inappropriate amount of Mozzarella with a bit of cheddar for a deeper flavor
¼ cup torn fresh basil if you want.
DIRECTIONS1. Place a 12-inch cast-iron skillet in the oven and preheat to 500ºF.
2. Meanwhile, roll or stretch the dough into a 14-inch circle. Carefully remove the skillet from the oven. Drizzle two thirds of the olive oil into the skillet, then carefully transfer the dough to the skillet, pressing the dough up the edges. Spread the sauce over the dough, making sure to get all the way to the edges. Shingle the pepperoni over the sauce and top with the mozzarella pearls. Brush the exposed dough with the remaining olive oil. Bake on the bottom rack until golden brown, 12 to 14 minutes.
*Making your own pizza dough is easy!
Two packets of Flieshmans Yeast in a slightly warm bowl of 1/2 cup of water, 1 teaspoon sugar. Let sit for 10 minutes.
Add 2 cups flour and 1/2 cup olive oil, 1 teaspoon of salt, and hand mix in a stainless steel bowl adding flour as necessary until the dough is elastic without dry cracks. Let rise for ten minutes.
Millions of Canadians have been holed up at home for weeks now, practising physical distancing in an effort to slow the spread of the new coronavirus. As a result, more than half say they feel lonely and isolated.
People are trying all kinds of ways of staying socially connected, from video calls with friends to "driveway parties" with neighbors.
Now, some are recording stories for friends and family, — but could this spread the virus?
That is dumb. Almost as dumb as the local man who has decided to film himself reading bed time stories written by other people instead of working on his own novels.
Judas X. Machina is slashing his marketing budgets by as much as half for the second half of the year, according to internal materials viewed by CNBC.
One email about the cuts went out to marketing employees this week, noting the budget cuts and a new hiring freeze for full-time and contract employees.
"I don't even get an allowance, so I don't know how he's going to pay us less. There are budget cuts and hiring freezes happening across other platforms. The difference is they have content." read one employee email. The employee is also the eldest son of Judas X. Machina and also an Admin for the Facebook group "Oh, f*ck off Rebecca, your kid did not say that!"
A company spokesperson, Kristina Kay, confirmed that some areas' budgets are being cut by as much as half, but added that "he spends money on stupid crap we don't need. So I'm proud that at least his collection of Deadpool Faberge eggs won't be growing this year."
Judas X. Machina outlined last week, he is re-evaluating the pace of the investment plans for the remainder of 2020 and will focus on a select number of important marketing efforts such as Patreon and dating rich older men.
Instead of leaving the floors for last, and dusting first so that all the particulate would fall to the floor, local father of four, Judas, wandered around aimlessly and waited for his kids to go to sleep so he could record a storytime video for them, instead of reading it to them.
The absent minded dad also completely did not wipe the bathroom from the top to the bottom. It would have been a good tip to clean the toilet last, since cleaning it first would cause the spread of bacteria instead of minimizing it. Cleaning the small areas would have been important, too, but he was distracted by thoughts of how to get the family dog in the frame of the video. Judas also ignored using a dry sponge to collect dog hair from the couch, which is a very effective way to gather pet hair according to Martha Stewart, who was quoted in a telephone interview as saying "I have no idea what you're talking about. Stop calling this number!"
His wife, Kay, also informed this reporter that Judas did not add cleaning solution to the bottom of the toilet scrubber holder, which is a very "useful and sanitary thing he could have done" she tweeted, adding "Filling the tub with warm water and a splash of bleach and then soaking the shower curtain is a great way he could get rid of mildew".
During dinner preparation, Judas also neglected to use lemon and salt to eliminate hard water stains around the sink taps. He failed to realize that he could double the usage of the lemons and salt by grinding them with ice in the garbage disposal, eliminating the stinky odor emanating from the drain.
The video can be found here.
A Husband of one* and father of four "Judas" is using his...art... to help pass the time while under home isolation during the Covid pandemic.
The layabout, 50, took to social media and posted an underwhelming 2-minute long video of him reading someone else's work.
"I've been bored at home so I made a video for u cogs!!!" he didn't say in the video or tweet.
The video begins with free domain music and a pre-made opener that looks like it was taken from a Mexican Day of the Dead home movie a laid off cable 10 video editor would use.
The non celebrity then proceeds to prance around in a bra and underwear, knee high socks...oops. That's the Ke$ha Home Alone video.
At one point the rocking chair Judas is sitting on lets out a loud creaking, something that a professional video editor would have cut.
Judas has 3 published and unread novels.
(*cough not a Joe Exotic situation)
In a move that will come as no surprise to parents, father of four Judas X. Machina is going to continue reading to his children.
Judas has never appeared on tv or in movies, and is no celebrity of any kind, though he has read bedtime stories to his children for years. He will return to the role of bedtime story reader his wife said in a press release last Wednesday.
The father, best known for his roles as late night fridge raider and bathroom oderizer, proved to be a very popular bedtime story reader, with his children laughing at the variety of voices used, reaching a high of 12 whole views on YouTube.
News of Judas's continued reading was received with a casual shrug of his wife; "I'll be there. I've heard all these stories before".
His Mother-in-Law had this to say: "Judas is hands down my favorite father to read to his children. I've never seen him do it, but I'm sure he's great."
The readings will include Frankenstein Eats a Sandwich, a variety of Lil Critters, and Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooey (which this reporter was unable to find a copy of, and Judas was evasive in it's source saying it was part of his two favorite philosophers, and "the rules were made up").
The stories will be read every evening roughly at 7:00 p.m. local time and won't be streamed or viewed anywhere else.
I've been heading all over the world lately, and in the small quiet moments I've written some short horror stories.
They....took some time to make? Are not very scary? Need work? All of the above?
Well, you decide.
And then tell me what you thought. Otherwise I'll just keep trotting out this stuff and you'll never escape it.
I am very opinionated. Some might say I'm full of...shit.
So I figured, why not join the two and express my shitty opinion...while I take a big steaming one.
Hope you enjoy...
In this lovely little video I show you the magic of green screen. Hopefully in a funny way. At least I laughed. And if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?
Mice, I guess.
And possibly dogs getting confused about where their owners go when they drop a blanket. You know...in those viral videos where the owner sets up a blanket and then runs away before its dropped and the dogs all like "WTF?!"
Anyway. I use trending words liberally in this video, because I wan money, and selling out isn't a bad thing anymore.
HOPE YOU ENJOY IT!
Playing around with (mostly) free domain film footage. After rummaging through stock I found this Mushroom Kingdom propaganda film.
Why "Failed Daily"?
Because I fail to update daily.