Never forget the little people.
DEAR JERKASS: In the summer of 1995, I was a 12-year-old girl living in a motel in a suburb of Cleveland with my mother, older brother and younger sister. We were poor and very hungry. My mother led my younger sister and me to a doughnut shop for our only meal of the day. After waiting for everyone to leave, my mother approached the young woman behind the counter and asked to buy some doughnuts with our foreign coins. It was the only money we had. Instead of turning us away, she told my mother: "We're allowed to give away a certain number of free doughnuts every day. Just tell me what you want." (I don't know if this was true.) It was because of her kindness that my family ate that day. If that kind woman is reading this, I want to say: "Thank you. You made the hunger go away for just a little bit, so a mother and her children could go a day without pain. You remain forever in a little girl's heart." -- URSALA IN MESSINA, ITALY DEAR VILLAIN FROM THE LITTLE MERMAID, You know they have this funny little search tool called "the internet", where you could find out where that doughnut shop was, who the owner was, and possibly even who was working the day in question. You could have done this and gotten answers in the time it took you to write and then wait for a response to this letter. If you were 12 in '95, that makes you 31. I am older than you and I figured this shit out. It isn't magic. There are little things in this story that make me think it is bullshit. How in the hell were you in a motel with only foreign money? The motel wouldn't have exchanged the money for you or accepted it. How did you get to the hotel? Or even into the country? If you were on vacation, your mother planned it very poorly. If you are from Messina, AND you were visiting the States, that still doesn't make much sense because Messina is a veritable trading sea hub, and you would have been able to exchange all your money before you left.
0 Comments
Abby can suck it.
DEAR JERKASS: Lately I have been having problems with my live-in boyfriend, "Ethan." We fight about everything, and he refuses to admit when he's wrong. Ethan has been sleeping on the couch for a week waiting for me to take the first step and reconcile. He isn't working and I am, and that is probably what has him so mad. I pay all the bills, and he thinks I feel superior because I'm bringing in money and he's not. We argue day and night, swear and scream at each other, and he does not appreciate everything I'm doing so we can survive. I have two daughters, he has one, and I'm supporting all of us. Do you think it's a good idea for us to have a baby? Ethan is desperate for a child with me -- even though we can't get along or communicate. -- MARY JANE IN MASSACHUSETTS DEAR POT HEAD, Are you fucking high? Another kid will not make everything better. The kids you have now are not making anything better. Just because you don't have a baby that shares your retarded DNA (no offense to those with Down Syndrome. People with DS are not retards. Retards are fucking idiots like this), does not mean that having a shared kid is going to make all the problems go away. The other day I was at that mecca of redneckery called Wal Mart. I saw two guys with down syndrome get into a car that was perfectly parked, and drive away. That's right, the DS guys could drive. Then I saw a perfectly fine older woman double parked sideways in a handi stall take five minutes to pull out of her space. Those DS guys are clearly smarter than you! I suggest you stop taking the pill and put your ovaries next to the oldest microwave you can find. Then kick that freeloading POS off your couch. There. I just helped you lose over 150 pounds. You look better already. Now take some night courses and get a better paying job, so you can take a real vacation and meet a guy who can take care of not only himself, but those he professes to care about. Fucking idiots! Bet Abby doesn't smoke. Self righteous bi... HEY! Time for my article.
DEAR JERKASS: I have two children who are not yet old enough for school. My mother-in-law watches them for free a few times a week. She has been "trying" to quit smoking for the last couple of years. Nine out of 10 times when I take my children to her, she asks me to bring her a pack of cigarettes. I feel obligated to do it because she watches my children for free. I know I'm not doing her any favors, and I have asked others how I should handle this. They say I should make excuses like, "I don't have any money with me," or, "I forgot to get them." I figure there's only a few more years before she won't have to watch my kids, so after that, I'll never feel obligated to bring her smokes again. Any advice? -- SMOKED OUT IN WISCONSIN DEAR SMOKED, How much does asthma medicine or lung transplants cost? What about treatment for cancer? Cancers been cured, right? Use the money you spend on cigarettes to hire a babysitter. The cost should be almost the same. But if you are going to drop off your kids to your mothers place anyway, AND buy her cigarettes, why don't you stop by the doctors office and pick up a bunch of pamphlets about the effects of smoking on children. Every time you give her a pack wrap it up in one of the pamphlets. When she lights up, whisper ominously "another seven minutes less time to spend with your grandchildren." You know, be an asshole about it. But just think about how much free time you'll have when your kids are dead from diseases that could have been prevented! Bet Abby doesn't have a tat.
DEAR JERKASS: I have an attractive friend who was bypassed for a front-office promotion. "Miranda" is pleasant, clean, efficient, energetic and had the same qualifications as the individual who was promoted. A management team member confided that the reason for Miranda's lack of advancement "might" be due to the numerous tattoos -- difficult to cover -- on her arms and wrists, which the manager said isn't the image the business wants to convey. Is this discrimination? I think it's unfair because Miranda is a good worker. She keeps asking me if I have any ideas why she was bypassed. Should I tell her? I don't want to violate the manager's faith in my confidentiality, even though I will be retiring soon. -- LOYAL FRIEND IN MASSACHUSETTS DEAR LOYAL, It isn't just positives that contribute to a career, there are negatives that hold them back. Tattoos? Meh. I don't care either way, anymore. I will say that if you don't want people judging you by the way you look, then you have to do one of two things; change the way you look, or stop caring. While we may think it's wrong to not hire someone based on tattoos, we also need to take a look at what tattoos are; they are a personal self expression designed to draw the attention of others (when exposed), to who we think we are. I'll use Rotten Ronnies as a poor example. They have uniforms to look....uniform. The company isn't interested in individual expression, they are interested in presenting an image that will make them money. If that image scares off customers, then the company will not make money. They don't care about their employees methods of self expression or anything else. If they hired a person with a big swastika on their forehead, that might give the idea that Ronnies supported the KKK. Even if that person was really nice, and had given up that whole lifestyle and was trying to be a better person, that tattoo would still be there, and the vast majority of people would still make an immediate opinion of them. So tell your friend all about what happened. Also tell her that she did things in life that, regardless of how she would like the universe to work, other people are free to dislike. If she's so fucking tough, this will slide right off her tramp stamp. Sometimes I won't even take my own advice.
DEAR JERKASS: A friend I have known for about 10 years messaged me again tonight saying she was going to commit suicide. I tried to get her to go to a hospital, but she refused. When I told her I was going to contact the police, she backed down a bit. This has become an almost-nightly occurrence. She's going through a rough patch right now. She's breaking things off with her drug-addicted longtime partner. She is also underemployed, in danger of being evicted and has cancer. It is tough on me to talk her down from the ledge every night. Many of her problems are of her own making, but she can't seem to see that. She can't afford therapy. I have taken her to Al-Anon, but she quit after a short time. I don't know what to do. I hate to break it off with her because I'm afraid she will kill herself. I am the only friend she has left. How much longer do I hold on? -- SUCKED DRY IN KANSAS DEAR SUCKED, Sounds like a real drain on society. Maybe you should tell her that the next time she calls. She hates her life, but she's never really done anything to make it better. Tell her that if she's going to kill herself, she should at least try doing something different first, like get cleaned up and find a hot guy. Try to get that job she's always wanted. Basically, do a bucket list. While you are doing this, use the other line to call the cops and have her committed. That should buy you a few nights sleep at least. Then change your number. Nobody needs a Negative Nancy in there lives, calling at all hours. Everyone is stupid, except me.
DEAR JERKASS: I'm a 14-year-old girl and I need my own bedroom. Ever since I was born, I have shared a room with my 17-year-old sister. Maybe it was OK when we were younger, but now it is impossible. It's crowded and annoying. I have no privacy, and I can't decorate it how I want. What makes this worse is that we have an extra room. My parents refuse to consider it and won't give me a reason. It has gotten so bad I have moved into a closet. Every time I walk into my room I get a headache. I never hang out there anymore. Please help. -- IN THE CLOSET IN N.Y. DEAR CLOSET, Get a job and offer to pay rent for the room. Get a hobby, an after school activity, or anything that keeps you from using the room for anything other than sleeping. Or try to talk your sister into getting a job and moving out. At the end of the day, the rooms belong to your parents, and it's not like you are living in a third world country. Quit whining about your stupid problems, do your homework, and someday if you spawn you'll be able to provide separate rooms for your larvae. Hopefully you'll be fine with hearing them whine about stupid little crap. Like Abby knows anything about kids. She probably ate her young.
DEAR JERKASS: I'm a married father with a son 19 months old, and a baby girl on the way. While I couldn't be more excited about my daughter's impending arrival, I'm unsure about whether there is a right time to stop doing things like changing a diaper or seeing my daughter unclothed because she's a girl and I'm not. I come from a conservative family, but because this is a new experience for me, I'm not sure how to go about it. I know this dynamic changes when these roles are occupied by a mother and her son, and that a little boy is probably older by the time the transition occurs. I don't want to end up in a position where my wife or daughter regrets my involvement in some aspects of my daughter's life. Any thoughts? -- EXPECTANT DAD IN NEW YORK Dear Expectant, With a few exceptions your kids can be considered (shudder) gender neutral. Boys will act like boys generally, and girls will act like girls. When it comes to things like cleanliness, getting dressed, etc, there is no gender. A girls needs her butt wiped just as much as a boy (well, a little more, she'll have more creases). And potty training is a necessity, and part of a child learning about their body. Don't run in fear if you are in your room getting changed and she sees you naked, just cover up and explain the intircacies of dressing privately. As she gets older, she'll tell you if she's uncomfortable. If you're truly uncomfortable about it, just have your wife present. She'll definately tell you what's appropriate and what isn't. Talk to your wife about this, how she felt when she was a girl, how she feels about her body. Wedding bits to tackle, she'll tell you all you need to know. Seriously. It's your daughter. Talking to your wife instead of an advice column is a much better idea, you nitwit. Some people. Ugh.
DEAR JERKASS: I have been working as a desk clerk at a motel in Montana for several years. With travel season here, I was hoping you could help your readers who find themselves on the road to avoid sleepless nights and headaches. Several times a year many of the accommodations on the interstate can be fully booked due to weather or local events, and travelers are sometimes forced to drive several hundred miles to find a room for the night. You can help your readers by reminding them that they should start checking on motel occupancy early in the day, or even the day before, if they know where they would like to stop for the night. That way, situations like this can be avoided, and they will have a more enjoyable and relaxing trip. -- ON THE ROAD AGAIN Dear Road Apple, My wife and I travel a lot. Like, a LOT. This last trip, we didn't book in advance, we booked rooms the day (sometimes the hour) we wanted to stop for the night. My wifes a genius at this shit. Apparently you are not. If I were working at a motel, and it was filling up quickly, I would call another hotel asking how many rooms were available, even if it was a competitor, and tell them I might have customers for them (maybe suggesting my motel got a finders fee). You know, just good customer fucking service. Know why, numbnuts? Because people will remember a stranger going out of their way to make sure others are taken care of and pass that along. Hey other travelers! Want great travel advice? Use this link: thisfamilyenroute.weebly.com It has packing information, interesting locales, ways to save on hotels, and a whole bunch of stuff Road Apple here wouldn't even think of because they are only interested in making their job easier. Why do I bother? What if I'm just helping stupid people breed?
DEAR JERKASS: My girlfriend and I live next to a married couple our age we have befriended. Unfortunately, the husband has been making unwanted advances toward my girlfriend. Being friendly with them both, we have kept it to ourselves so as not to hurt the wife. She's ill and has been in and out of the hospital. The husband is approaching my girlfriend saying he needs "stress relief" because his wife is ill. We now feel something needs to be said to the wife, but we still have to live next door to them. We're at a loss. What's the best way to handle this? -- HAD ENOUGH IN FLORIDA Dear Enough, Tell him to fuck off. Why are you okay with this? Just because a guy's horny doesn't allow him to act that way. Next time he does it, tell him getting the literal shit beat out of him will relieve a whole lot of stress- yours. This letter was so boring I almost didn't finish it.
DEAR JERKASS: I have a colleague who's a drama queen. Perhaps I'm a little bit guilty, too, but "Sharon" talks excessively about her personal life. There's the boyfriend who doesn't support her and their 2-year-old child financially or emotionally, her mom who suffers from many medical conditions, and her neighbor whose daughter was murdered some months ago. Sharon's life seems to be a magnet for drama. My colleagues and I have lent our ears and our shoulders to cry on. I have also tried to advise her (like you do) to no avail. I have now reached my limit. Is there a tactful way to deal with her? We work in proximity at least half the time, so total avoidance is not possible. -- INUNDATED IN HAWAII DEAR INUNDATED, There comes a point where the things that affect us negatively are our fault. Just tell her simply, honestly and directly, to leave her problems at home and shut the fuck up. Tell her you don't want to hear about her life unless she's telling you how she's making it better. Tell her unless she dumped that unsupportive dick, you don't want to hear about him. If and when she whines about it, or how he's "the father and I can't dump him", tell her to stuff it. It's a "colleague", not a friend or family member. Even if they were, it's time for them to grow up and own up. |
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun. Archives
September 2018
Categories
All
|