Here's the origin.
DEAR JERKASS: I met a guy four months ago. Our relationship is new and pretty casual for the most part. We like each other's company and spend nights together, but when we're intimate, he keeps his clothes on -- boxers and all. He is only 26, but he has told me about past relationships, so I know he has had experience. Over the past two years he has lost almost 100 pounds. He looks great now -- healthy and toned. I have seen him get in and out of the shower. (I noticed a little excess skin on his stomach, but not much.) It's really weird. I don't feel comfortable taking my own clothes off when he doesn't. This isn't exactly a deal breaker for me, as I obviously am attracted to him. I just would like him to be comfortable with me. Should I address this with him, and if so, how? Or should I just leave it be for now? -- AWKWARD SITUATION IN GEORGIA DEAR AMISH, It's not a deal breaker and you are attracted to him....seems like you have your answer. If you want to be pedantic about it, you could either walk around naked until he does, or wear his boxers on sex nights. OR like any relationship that is successful, you can take your own advice and talk to him about it, as well as offering compliments every time he shows a bit of extra skin. But if you keep bringing it up and it pisses him off, back off and just let him be comfortable. The relationship will definitely take a down turn if you keep picking at him.
0 Comments
Here's the original.
DEAR JERKASS: I met a guy online. We have been dating for some time now. We have a wonderful connection and have our dates on Skype. The problem is, we have never met in person. Every time we plan on meeting, he shuts up for a time, isn't reachable, then suddenly reappears and makes excuses, asking me to forgive him and plan another meeting. Should I still believe this will happen anytime soon? -- LEFT HANGING IN NAIROBI DEAR STUPID, He probably finds you disgusting, but he's confined to a wheelchair and his dick doesn't work, so you aren't missing out on much. Turn off your computer, go outside, and interact with actual people, not just the digital representations. I know, I met my wife online. But at least we met in person. Long distance relationships only work when you have met in person in the first place. So toss that cripple to the curb and hit the bookstores (clubbing for a man is soooooo 2000's). Here's the original.
DEAR JERKASS: My 19-year-old sister died two years ago from an overdose. I'm 13. We were very close when we were little, but during the four years before she passed away, my parents didn't want us around each other for fear of her rubbing off on me, and she wasn't home half the time anyway. A year earlier she went to rehab, and I remember talking with her about how she was clean for good and then ... It's just so lonely! All my friends have sisters and brothers and I don't, and I'm bored all the time. My parents work a lot, so I'm home alone at least three times a week, and although I've got friends and sports, I'm just really alone. It's awkward going out to dinner or going on vacation because my parents just want to sit and relax, and I want to go out and do things, but it's embarrassing going everywhere with your parents. I miss having her around. -- ALONE IN OHIO DEAR ALONE Must be nice to be able to have hobbies, friends and family and still be angst-ridden. Life is not fair. It never will be. And the lonliness? Unless you learn to be comfortable with yourself you'll always be alone. People can't be with you 24 hours a day. If you metaphorically disappear when no one else is around, you have problems deeper than a sister that passed away. I recommend solitary refinement: When others don't have time for you, go do things you enjoy by yourself and don't tell anyone what you have done. I mean, don't be stupid and do drugs or get drunk. Get to a stage where you can be happy without needing someone else around. Learn who you are without people. (dwight) Here's the waste of internet.
DEAR JERKASS: Why is it socially acceptable to refer to a grown woman as a "girl," and yet it would never be appropriate to call a man a "boy"? -- BARBARA IN HUNTSVILLE, ALA. DEAR BROAD, What the hell are you talking about? I hear guys call their group of friends "the boys" all the time. I hear women call men boys, too. Like "Ugh. Boys." Or "Oh you boys!" But I do see the certain level of maturity expectations. Women by and large don't want boys, they want men. Women can get away with being childish. So there you go. Act more like a woman and maybe calling chicks "girls" will fade away. Here's the original.
DEAR JERKASS: I'm turning 75 soon, and enjoying retirement, good health and a comfortable lifestyle, which is why I have arranged a "Celebration of My Life -- So Far." I'm excited about it and eagerly anticipating more than 60 guests for cocktails and a sit-down dinner at a nearby hotel. It's not uncommon these days for a celebration of life to be held after someone dies. However, I prefer to have mine BEFORE I leave this Earth so I can celebrate along with my loved ones. I want to be there, especially since I'm the one who's paying for it! What do you think of my idea? Would you enjoy partaking in such a special event? -- THINKING AHEAD IN NEW JERSEY DEAR "THINKING", It's fine that you want to see people before you kick off. But the purpose of a funeral is not really about you, it's about the people you leave behind, and consoling each other regarding your loss. Throwing a party might make you feel good, but it might not make others feel good. Now, they will have to say goodbye to you twice. Because you are still going to die after you celebrate your life. Here's where I got it.
DEAR JERKASS: I fell in love with a boy when I was 12, deeply in love. We met at our county fair. We grew up together and have remained friends for 30 years. He married and had children, as did I. I am now divorced, but he's still married. Recently our friendship has grown into something more. He wants our relationship to continue, but he's afraid to leave his wife because of the kids. They have been together for 20 years. What do I do? He's the love of my life. Any time I have with him is better than none. It's not that I don't know I deserve better, but he is unhappy, and I am miserable without him. What do I do? -- PRISONER OF PASSION DEAR SLAVE TO YOUR JUNK, You stay out of his life, you homewrecker. He's not getting off easy either (okay, there should be a pun there, but fuck off, this is serious shit). Trust me, you are not miserable. Know who's miserable? People starving in the streets. So keep your romantic B.S. in check. You should keep it in your pants. If you really love him, and this love has survived 30 years, a few more won't hurt it, AND loving someone doesn't mean they make you feel good. It's putting their best interests before yours. And his best interest right now is examining if he actually loves his wife, not you. And this jackass should be working on his marriage, not checking around for a "better deal". If he isn't happy the person he should be talking to is his wife. Not you. Here's a message to all the cheaters out there: If you don't love your wife be a man and own up to it. Don't cheat on her and ruin both your lives you fucking nitwit. Wait until the paperwork is finalized, wait a few months, THEN start looking at other relationships. Take a relationship course first, because obviously you failed at the last one. Here's the origin.
DEAR JERKASS, I have been dating "Hank" for five years. He has always been a loner. He has never been married and has no kids. We lived together for four years and our relationship is wonderful other than his "just being him." He's kind of self-centered and not very communicative. Hank just learned that his mother is terminally ill. He came home from work, told me to pack and move out, gave me five minutes of his time and then left! I packed some clothes and went. I'm not sure if I should stay away or try to get him to talk this through with me. This is tearing me apart. I know he loves me, but I'm afraid that with what's going on with his mom, he's shutting me out because he can't handle it. I'm the closest person to him, but he is pushing me away. Please give me some advice. -- FEELING VERY ALONE IN MAINE DEAR SAP, Wow. You are dumb. Some guy took advantage of you for five years and you didn't even see it coming. And now you miss him? Okay, you need to go see a therapist or counselor and find out why you think you are a piece of crap door mat who needs emotionally unavailable men, before you end up sleeping permanently with Prince Valium. Seriously. Here's the original.
DEAR JERKASS: I became a widower two years ago and only recently started dating. Although I am in my early 70s, I'm in great physical shape and have all my hair. I am also financially well off and I think I'm reasonably good looking. My concern is, how do I avoid becoming a trophy husband? -- POTENTIAL PRIZE IN FLORIDA DEAR PLAYER, Planning on getting married already? Simple solution: don't get married and spread some wild oats around (provided you are fixed. You don't need any fuck trophies). Then get a venereal disease and die and leave all your wealth to a charitable organization, so that it will accomplish more than you ever did. Here's where I got it.
DEAR JERKASS: I'm a lifelong New York resident; my husband is not. So when he had an opportunity to move to Houston to be closer to his only brother, he desperately wanted to move. My children are grown and on their own, so no problem there. Although leaving my career, my mother and my children to move so far away was difficult for me, my husband doesn't have much of a family, so I knew it was important to him. He never had children, and he wanted to be part of his niece's and nephew's lives. So we moved. Now we're treated like we don't exist! We're not invited to family events, they never visit us and we're not included during holidays. These are the people who begged us for the last 13 years to move to Texas. I want to return to New York. He doesn't want to go. I'm afraid if I insist, I'll need to move back alone. Should I risk my marriage over it? -- HOMESICK FOR NEW YORK DEAR TMNT FAN, Have you invited your in-laws over for special occasions or holidays? I'm sure you think simply moving to an area automatically makes you part of the scene, being from New York and all. Difference here is, in order to get anything, you have to give. Unless you left that part out of the letter I suggest doing all the things you think your in-laws should do. Spoiled brat. Waaahhh, I don't do anything and people ignore me for it! Bwaaahh. The original is here.
DEAR JERKASS: "Barney" and I are in our 40s and have been married two years. Barney is a neatnik. His nighttime ritual of cleaning up before bed takes an hour or more. Before we can be intimate, this ritual must be performed, which rules out anything in the afternoon or that's spontaneous. Barney is also a night owl. Sometimes he goes straight from the shower to the Internet or reading, ignoring sex altogether, even if we planned and talked about it while getting ready to clean up for the night. I have fallen asleep many nights waiting for him, only to awaken hours later and see he's still not beside me. When we discuss it later, he says it's a selfish habit he "got away with" in his last marriage. He enjoys sex but becomes easily distracted. Should we seek counseling for this or try something else? Barney displays all the signs of ADD and has since his childhood days. -- FRUSTRATED IN CLINTON, IOWA DEAR TOOL USER, You could probably pick up after yourself and then he wouldn't have to clean up. You are both adults and you don't have to do everything together. That said, you could enjoy the technology of small motors. Do it while he's awake, I'm sure he'll take it as an affront to his manliness that his woman has resorted to emotionless robots for pleasure, or he'll be turned on. Either way you'll get some action. Those two examples don't constitute OCD or ADD (or it's hyper-active cousin ADHD) Unless you have had him actually tested, you are merely speculating and making excuses for a deeper problem. That problem being you are both idiots. |
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun. Archives
September 2018
Categories
All
|