My EMOTIONS! MY EMOTIONS!
(Should have put a Troy Barnes meme here.) Here's another Dear Abby, as answered by yours truly. DEAR CRABBY: I met an amazing lady. She's beautiful, sexy, charming, attentive, classy, smart and conservative. In short, she is almost everything a good man would ask for in a woman except for one thing -- she's a tad clingy, and in some instances, it is annoying. I'm the type of guy who loves my space. She seems to respect it, but gets a little down when I decline an offer to spend time. To avoid hurting or offending her, I sometimes just do whatever will make her happy, although it feels like a chore. Don't get me wrong, I'm physically and mentally attracted to her, but I'm not sure about the emotional part. The more I feel I'm forcing myself to spend time with her, the more I lose interest. I know this is cliche, but I honestly feel that it's not her, it's me. Am I just not ready to settle down? -- LIKES MY SPACE Dear Space, Are you going to marry this woman? You know she's going to be around you 24/7 if you get married, right? If you like your space so much, tell her. You'd be doing her a favor. For a relationship there needs to be four things, though: Communication (which you aren't doing by hiding how you really feel), and mental/physical/emotional connection. These can sometimes be out of balance and the relationship will still work, but lose one and they all fall apart. Do this woman a favor; break up with her. She doesn't deserve to be emotionally isolated. Don't string her along, you knob. And then you can enjoy all the space you need in in the final frontier of your life known as Creepy Old Lonely Guy.
0 Comments
Dear Abby, how I would love to take over your column. But, since I can't, I'll just rip on you here in obscurity. Her answers are here.
Here's what everyone else came for. DEAR CRABBY: I was invited to my first prom yesterday. The boy is a senior and the son of a friend of my mom's. We have a lot in common. We have been friends for years and compete against each other in academics. The problem is, he asked a close friend of mine to go to the prom last week, and he did it right in front of me. My friends, including the girl who said no, keep telling me he really does like me, even though I was apparently his second choice. The trouble is, I already said yes and I don't want to go back on my word. How do I keep myself from feeling like a consolation prize? -- SECOND BEST Dear Second, I know prom is the end-all-be-all of human existence. Since you were a second choice, this will affect everything in the rest of your life. You can't get married now. You will no longer be allowed to go to the university you want. You will always get hand-me-down clothes, even if you have money to buy new ones. OR This is highschool. What, are you going to marry this guy? Be realistic, or at least slightly optimistic: the other girl who said "no" may have made a huge mistake. Or is maybe matchmaking. Or will now end up with no one to go with. The reality is that many people don't get what they want. So you can mope and groan, whine and complain because (sarcastic) that will make everything better. Or you can go have fun and not worry about what came before, but what comes now and after. Without further ado, two steaming piles of B.S. Which did you prefer? VOTE NOW! Man Puts Sex On A Strict Schedule DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend will have "scheduled" sex with me -- only after he has had his shower in the evening or in the morning. Every once in a while I get lucky and am able to stop by after work and have a quickie. It's driving me crazy. I have tried many ways to get him to have sex spontaneously, but he won't budge. It's starting to be a turn-off because it's not the "right time." What do I do? -- LOOSER THAN THAT IN DETROIT
Going to try a new format. I'll post the asking letter, then on the left I'll post Abby's response (which I've stopped reading half the time) and on the right I'll post my Dear Crabby response. Good idea? Bad idea? Let me know! Abby links in the responses. And now, onto the trash. Exercise Floor Show Detracts From Visit With Relatives DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I go to visit my mother (in another city) every other month or so, my brother and his wife insist on coming over to see us while we're there. Our visits usually last two or three days. Many times when they come over, my sister-in-law will start doing her exercise routine, including floor exercises, which are, in my husband's and my opinion, unbecoming and inappropriate to do in front of other people. How do we deal with this? Are we crazy to feel awkward when she's lying on her back doing these pelvic thrusts? Would it be out of line to ask her NOT to do this in the future? My brother says, "She won't listen to me, so it wouldn't do any good to talk to her," so we know talking to her won't help. What do you suggest? -- FEELING AWKWARD
Dear Abby suggested plastic surgery. Fuck that, Abby.
DEAR CRABBY: I was born with a very weak heart. At the age of 23, I went into heart failure and needed surgery. It has been two years since my open heart procedure, and it has changed my life for the best. As a young, semi-attractive male, I feel insecure about my scar. I went to the beach with friends, and so many people looked at my scar I got uncomfortable and put my shirt back on for the rest of the time. I haven't gone back to the beach since. And in situations where guys go shirtless, I wear mine even over the protests of my friends. I can't get over the scar. I feel like I'm disfigured. Any advice on how I can deal with this huge change? -- SELF-CONSCIOUS IN GEORGIA Dear Self Conscious, You have a wicked scar that literally represents "life". All those posers that have tattoos with "meaning" are pathetic compared to you. If anything, you should get a tattoo of an arrow pointing to the scar with the words "Not just a survivor: a conqueror", or "Untamed Heart". Nah, that last one is a little too Christian Slater. People are going to stare. Give them a reason to be in awe, too. Next time you're out and the opportunity to show off that scar presents itself, take it. When people stare, draw further attention to yourself. Tell them while pointing at it, "Heart surgery. Cheated death." This could even be used as a pick up line. After all, chicks dig scars. Sorry, I shouldn't refer to broads as "chicks". Babes hate that. Bonus picture! This one is from Diego32tiger on Deviant art. I used this without his permission. Then again, I'm pretty sure he didn't get Disney or Warner Brothers permission.... There is nothing more annoying than going to another country and it being different from where you live.
In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. Dear Abby was more concerned about someone being insulted for not understanding a different language. Her response can be found here. This is mine. (P.S. Would you like to see more of an "audio-commentary" style response to Dear Abby's letters? That's were I would print her responses, and interject my own comments in red. Let me know!) Dear Crabby, My wife and I speak English as our native language. I also speak other languages fluently, although my wife does not. When we travel to a country where I speak the language, she insists I speak only English. She says everybody in the world now speaks English and accuses me of showing off when I converse with a local in his or her language. She says it makes her uncomfortable. I realize many people in other countries speak some -- or even a lot of -- English, but many do not. What do you think? -- SPEECHLESS IN ATLANTA Dear Speechless, Your wife is the cliche American. I imagine she also complains when there isn't a McDonalds around? These are the type of people who, when they hear the expression "When in Rome..." have NO idea what you are talking about. More people in the world speak Mandarin, with English as a distant second. So the next time your wife opens her craw to complain, tell her you don't understand her, and would she please speak Mandarin.* If she can't be bothered to try to follow along, or learn a language herself, then she's going to be ignored. That's her problem, and forcing others to change to suit her is more rude than you speaking someones language. You decide your own level of involvement. A person can't say they were left out if they didn't play. (Double negatives. That's tricky in any language.) * While English is wider spread than other languages it's still an asshole dick move to expect other countries to speak your language. Have some respect. Today I will post Dear Abby's letter and response in its entirety, so that you may all bask in the glory of her wisdom.
Dear Abby get's thousands of letters every day. I can only imagine what some of them contain: suicide notes, love letters, harassment, troubled teens, irate seniors, attention seekers, etc. Genuine lost people looking for help (in what may be the slowest way possible). So what does the Queen of Advice print up? Here's the little gem for today: DEAR ABBY: I love cooking for my wife and friends. There are few things I find more pleasing than to put out a nice spread of food and watch people enjoy. I'm always on the lookout for more cookbooks, and you hold the key to my next big party. I was reading through your archives and have seen many people asking about your cookbooklets. I'd love to get them. Can you print the ordering information again, so I can be sure I'm sending the right amount to the right place? Thanks! -- MAN IN THE KITCHEN IN NORTH LITTLE ROCK DEAR MAN IN THE KITCHEN: I'm glad to oblige. I have been a compulsive cookbook collector for many years, so I can relate. (I'm sure you will be pleased when you see that my cookbooklets, while wide-ranging in content, take up little space on your bookshelf.) Your idea of throwing a "Dear Abby Dinner Party" is a good one, and I have been told the recipes provide a fun, traditional eating adventure. All of them are simple, easy-to-read and delicious. One reader described creating place cards for her guests decorated with hearts and flowers. The centerpiece was a "bouquet" of envelopes addressed to me. Another reader said she copied questions from my column, printed them out and, as a party game, asked her guests to supply the answers. (She said that after a few glasses of wine, some of the responses were hilarious, but couldn't be printed in a family newspaper.) My cookbooklet set contains more than 100 tasty recipes, ranging from soups to salads, appetizers, main courses and desserts, that can be used when families get together to celebrate holidays and other special occasions. My mother used many of them when she hosted parties, as have I. To order, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $14 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby - Cookbooklet (XXXXXADDRESS WITHHELD SO THE IDIOT DOESN'T MAKE MONEY OFF MY SITEXXXXXX) Shipping and handling are included in the price. You will find tips on entertaining at the beginning of the first booklet. Anyone who hasn't entertained before should be sure to read them. By following these suggestions, even the most nervous, first-time host can be confident. I know you will enjoy the recipes as much as we have and serve them with pride. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: It's not what you put on the table, but who you put in the chairs that makes a successful dinner party. Dear Abby's Puppet, Apparently yesterdays letter of authenticity was just prelude to Abby's self aggrandizement. There is no one in the world on the verge of suicide, or in a marital collapse, or in any other way in an emotional turmoil that only your advice can save. In your effort to earn a little extra cash, did you advertise on your website? Take out an ad in one of the many newspapers that syndicate your column? Nope. You publish a "letter" from a fan, and then hock your shitty pamphlets for $14. But you don't stop there. You actually tell this "Man" how to throw a party all about you! Questions they can ask about you! Decorations involving you! All hail and worship Dear Abby! There's a time and place, Abby. Your time and place is supposed to be about helping people with common sense issues. If you want to make money on the side, create a different marketing venue. Don't go all desperate-lonely-loser-up-at-3am-infomercial and segue your waning public interest into a Tony Little last ditch effort into making a few bucks. Have some goddamn integrity! I thought yesterdays letter was narcissistic garbage, but this really takes the cake. P.S. Does your recipe book have a version of Margret Atwood's Edible Woman Cake? THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need help. Bill Cosby What do you call it when you troll yourself? I think I'll ask Dear Abby.
I included her response in today's edition, because it was so fucking funny and self defeating. Her answer is in bold, mine is in italics. DEAR CRABBY: After breakfast on Saturdays, my husband and I settle in, listen to music and read the newspaper. It's our Saturday morning ritual. As part of it, when I get to your column, I read it out loud to my husband. We enjoy the letters and your advice. When I finish, my husband almost invariably says, "You know, those letters are made up." Abby, I think they are real, albeit edited, but genuine. He thinks they're fake. Who's right? -- TRUE BELIEVER IN MICHIGAN DEAR TRUE BELIEVER: You are. I could never make up anything as interesting as the mail that arrives from my readers day after day. Dear Believer, Thanks for writing yourself Abby. Really believable. Why would you post a letter like that, aside from trying to make yourself seem more honest? This seems like the actions of a con artist. Fake or not, just publish the letters. "Answering" this letter doesn't validate you. Dear Abby had some good ones today. There were two letters used to answer one question, so I included them both.
Just a heads up; If you commit a small crime like jaywalking and speeding, and then go around bitching about how you got caught, it doesn't make all cops "pigs", "bullies", or any of the other toddler complaints you make. You did something wrong, accept it, and fix it. And now for the crap. DEAR CRABBY: As a licensed psychotherapist who has worked with both victims and perpetrators of sexual abuse over the past 25 years, I would like to respond to "Stunned in the City" (Jan. 22), who found her co-worker's name on a website for registered sex offenders. Registered sex offenders have been convicted and incarcerated for their crimes as well as serving a probationary period upon release. However, unlike other criminal offenses, they never finish "serving their time" -- both in the areas of WHERE they can live and HOW they can live (employment). They continue to serve a sentence that can never be completed and are stigmatized for the rest of their lives. The reason for this is because of a "one-size-fits-all" approach to punishment, be it a one-time offender or a serial rapist. Most sexual abusers are either members of the family or a close family friend, and most are never reported. Only a small percentage of registered offenders pose a danger and should be under surveillance. The others should be allowed a second chance to continue with their lives without undue harassment. If "Stunned" reports her co-worker to her employer, she will jeopardize his livelihood, which he needs to redeem his life. -- ALREADY PAID HIS DEBT DEAR CRABBY: For more than 20 years I have employed a man who is a convicted sex offender. He paid his debt to society for having sex with a minor when he was in his 20s. It will haunt him for the rest of his life. The pictures you see online are recent because the authorities require updated photos yearly. I empathize with him because I dated a 15-year-old when I was 19 -- with her parents' approval -- but today it could mean jail time and a ruined life. There is no demarcation between being dumb and being truly criminal, so everyone is labeled the same. I suggest that we all stay aware of those labeled sexual predators, but approach the sexual offenders case-by-case. -- JUSTICE FOR ALL DEAR CRABBY: Inclusion on the registry can be the result of something that would not pose a danger to anyone -- urinating in public, or having sex with a younger girlfriend when you yourself are a minor. If you see a neighbor or co-worker on such a list, no one should jump to conclusions before doing more research about the actual offense. It may be nothing to worry about at all, or it might be something to react to. But you won't know until you find out more than a simple listing. -- REBECCA IN SAN DIEGO Dear Paid, You sound like the guy who get pulled over for speeding and never stops complaining. Sure, having the stigma of being a sex offender is a little heavier than speeding, but if you didn't want to constantly be reminded of breaking the law, then why did you break the law? Taking the examples of dating someone younger, I'm reminded of a Texan man, 19, who took pictures of his 17 year old wife on their wedding night. He was arrested for possession of child pornography. We can all agree that this is a ludicrous crime, but the law still stands. And from the perspective of the law he did wrong. That is why we have court systems. And while they may not be the best systems in the world, I would rather have a short leash on a deviant than none at all Back to that Texan; he may have thought that since it was his wife it would be okay. There is no state that says it's okay to take pictures of a minor nude, no matter the circumstances, so his ignorance, so called, is inadmissible. Public urination is illegal, no matter how much you have to go. Yes, petition and vote to have these laws clarified, but don't bitch because you got caught. You were wrong, and your sense of entitlement doesn't make you innocent. So go fuck your hat with your false martyrdom. Whatever it was, it was done with the idea that you couldn't get caught, or that they were excused from the rest of the worlds social agreements. Dear Abby can be read here. But that's not who you really want....
DEAR ABBY: A tall, attractive man came into the insurance office where I work to buy an auto insurance policy. I haven't talked with men outside of my church in a long time, so I was nervous. I thought my heart would explode from beating so fast. He will be coming back in a couple of weeks, and I'm afraid if I don't ask him out, I will regret it. I don't know how to approach him or ask a guy out at all. Help! -- NERVOUS OUT WEST Dear Nervous, This is completely inappropriate: go through his file. You work in insurance, it will list if he's single, where he lives, etc. This is okay, because you are a woman. If you were a man, this would be stalking and you would go to jail. Real advice: This is the modern age. Women can ask out men. When he comes in, simply ask him "What's a good restaurant to go to?" If he answers "My wife loves..." you have your answer. If he goes on to give you anything else, reply with "Maybe you could show me what's good on the menu?" If he's anything like me he won't pick up on the fact you want him to ask you out. You may have to go caveman and get more blunt with something like "Well, you have nice shoes. Wanna fuck?" There you go. Practice safe sex. |
Judas' Advice Column
This is where I take a Dear Abby column, and add my own brand of advice. I started by calling it Dear Crabby, but that's taken and JERKASS seems more fun. Archives
September 2018
Categories
All
|